Five whirlwind months we had together, and seven years later, you are still on my mind and in my heart. It still seems like only yesterday.
I never told you that I fell in love with you, madly, deeply. I think I hinted at it a few times in not so subtle ways, but I never had the guts to tell you outright.
You once told me ‘I love you’. It was too soon for me, I wasn’t aware of the depth of my feelings for you at that point in time and I said.. nothing. I wondered also if you did mean it when you said it??
Shortly after you broke it off, I called you one night in tears, I desperately wanted to tell you how I felt. You didnt have the time to talk to me, you were about to leave on a plane to go on a holiday with your mates.
Then you stopped responding to my emails altogether.
I’m married now, and so are you (Im pretty sure), but you still come into my mind and heart all the time.
I feel so bad about it because it feels so unfair to my husband, but when you left me its like you took a piece of me with you, and unfortunately I feel that I will never quite be the same as before.
When you broke it off you said you just weren’t ready. When I look back now I realise that I wasn’t either. I also had so much cr#$%p going on in my life at the time which I am sure got in the way.
You also said that you felt that we would always feel a connection with each other if we met up again. I still feel that is probably the case too, which is one reason it probably would not be a good thing if we were to ever run into each other again. Lucky for us both in a way that we are living on opposite sides of the world now.
It’s funny I still remember the first night we met. To me it was like love at first sight and I felt as if I had known you forever.
It seemed to be like that, for me, the whole way through our short relationship. I have never felt so comfortable with anyone else and I really felt you brought out the best in me in many ways. We could sit and talk for hours, pondering life, throwing out our random ideas about anything and everything and sharing our many similar thoughts and ideas. Time seemed to stand still when I was in your presence, and it only felt good!
You cried when I told you I would be going home for good. I would have too, except I was trying desperately to hide my heart break and to put on a strong front. I could only leave you with a letter with a pathetic attempt at hinting of my feelings for you.
To me what we had was literally ‘out of this world’, you took me to a different place.. I loved every minute of it.
When we simply held hands, I melted. When we made love, it was electric.
When you broke up with me, you turned my life upside down! It left me wondering what the hell had just happened in my life. For so long I wondered, and I still do..
I questioned if it was just all a lust thing for so long, but I dont believe that, not when you are still in my heart after this long.
I did a bit of reading on soul mates and stuff and the only thing that resonates with me is the ‘twin flame’ idea that some people talk about (But Im not even sure if I believe in all that s*#$t).
I guess I just often wonder if you felt that same intense instant crazy connection that I did and whether it was perhaps what scared you off in the end?
Though because of our backgrounds and all, it probably never would have worked, you would never have wanted to leave there and your career opportunities there, and I dont think I could have permanently lived away from my family.
Sad as it is, I think you will probably always have a place in my heart.
But I do wish you all the best in life.. truly. And I do hope that you are happy and having good things in your life.
Despite all these crazy feelings of mine, I will not contact you again, ever.. Despite that I would like to, and would love even to just hear how you are going, I know that you do not want me to contact you, and it would also be unfair to both of us in our current situations and to our respective partners. I would not want to cause disruptions in my life or yours.
There was something I said shortly after we broke up that I shouldn’t have, you may remember.. Anyway, I am sorry. It was a stupid thing to say and it was just stupidly where I was at, at that time.
Anyway this letter is really just a way to get it all off my chest, and hopefully maybe to move on. A way to get the closure that I felt I never got perhaps.
If by some chance you ever come across this, please know that I only want the best for you and I hope that you have everything you have dreamed of in life.