What was I thinking?

What was I thinking?

What was I thinking?

G,

There are so many things I wish I could tell you…but contacting you would only open doors I’ve fought so hard to shut. So instead, I’m writing this letter to put it all out there. The things I wish I could ask you and tell you, about me, about yourself and our relationship.

When we met, you made me feel like I was everything you had ever wanted. You filled my head with plans for a life together. A house in the suburbs with a big yard and animals. Babies that would grow into beautiful, musical children. Vacations and family functions and growing old together. You made me feel like you were the person I had waited for all along. I was wrong. So, so wrong. I still can’t believe the way you fooled me.

I realize now that I gave you too much. Too much of my time, too much of my heart. You were the source of too many tears and too much heartache. I didn’t deserve the way you treated me. I lost myself in us and of that, I am not proud.

I was constantly supporting, encouraging and uplifting you, but you were big-headed and selfish. You were annoyed by my efforts to spend time together and acted unexcited and uninterested around my friends and family. You missed every important event or occasion in my life, because you were too busy with your own.  That should have been a clue. Yet I made it a priority to be there for all of yours. Every family function, every wedding and every weekend at the lake.

You ignored my gestures of love, big and small. Washing the dishes and doing your laundry, cooking and baking special treats. Leaving behind love notes and surprising you with small gifts for your trips. Wearing your favorite lingerie. You wrote songs and poems and scripts about fictitious women constantly. Where were the love notes, the songs about me?

I can’t believe I stayed with you as long as I did. Even after you looked at me, with those cold blue eyes and told me you were mistaken when you said you loved me. What was I thinking? What kind of person does that? You left me feeling worthless and unwanted. Nothing is worse that feeling undesirable. You should know that better than anyone. We dated for another month.

You broke up with me because you realized I wasn’t the girl you wanted me to be. You were willing to sacrifice beauty, charisma, intelligence and humor for someone that would say yes to your demands without questioning them. And when you broke up with me, you sobbed. Swollen eyes, blubbering, snot everywhere. And I comforted you. While you were breaking my heart, I stayed strong and comforted you. You deserved to be kicked in the nuts.

I hope one day you realize that life requires compromise and if you want to be in a healthy relationship it’s a necessary tool. You’ll have to give up plans you made for yourself, to make room for dreams you make together. Relationships aren’t about agreeing on everything. They’re about growing and learning and making each other better people. All of these are little versions of change, and while I’ve realized that you were incapable, I am not.

With each day that passes I’m more prepared and ready for life’s next adventure. Sometimes I think back to the sweet moments we shared and I miss you. But I’m stronger now and I love myself too much to go back to someone who doesn’t deserve me.

I know one day we’ll run into each other and I hope it makes you realize what you’re missing, but more than that, I hope it helps me to remember the gift you gave me when you let me go.

1 Comment

  1. Supporter 5 years ago

    Hi,

    I went through something similar and am happy to see you have made the right conclusions. I hope that next time we will choose a person who deserves and corresponds our efforts.

    All the best!

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