The torment of your absence

The torment of your absence

The torment of your absence

Dear S.,

It’s past midnight and I can’t sleep. I don’t want to sleep because every time I do, I dream of you again and it hurts me to the core. It hurts to wake up and realize that this was just a dream, that none of it was real. I’d like to believe that perhaps our souls really met in the dream but I can never know for sure. It’s this uncertainty that I hate. Not knowing if it’s just my own illusion or if there is more to this life than the physical reality. But the universe knows I’ve missed you. And I will always miss you.. There is no remedy for how much I miss your voice, your touch, your smile, your eyes. No amount of time can take away that longing to see your face, to be able to hug you and tell you how deeply sorry I am. No matter how great the distance is between us, it can never truly break the bond we once shared. There is no cure. You weren’t just a lover, you were also my best friend, my closest spiritual companion, and you will remain in my heart forever.

My words cannot do my grief any justice. I could write a book and you would still never know how I feel. Knowing that you won’t speak to me, knowing that you prefer to ignore me, knowing that you might even hate me, is just suffocating me to the point of insanity. My voice is screaming inside, begging for you to hear me out and just listen. My hands are pounding on the walls of the prison in my mind. I want to break free. I’m desperate to get out. My love for you is suffocating me, so much that it has manifested as a physical illness. I have pneumonia and it’s killing me. Each thought of you brings tremendous pain. I can’t breathe and bare your loss. I am not strong enough. I’m not brave enough to live.

There are days when I manage to hold on to some kind of hope and then there are days when I don’t mind having a disease that could be a potential cause of death. What else could liberate me from being in love with you? For a while I was doing quite well. I didn’t even think of you until you appeared in my dream and kissed me a few days ago, and I woke up with feelings for you again. The same way I fell in love with you a year ago – in a dream. Why do I always fall in love with you in dreams? I didn’t even like you a year ago! You seemed like a player to me, arrogant and well-aware of how attractive you were to the opposite sex. I thought you were so proud of yourself. I even laughed at thinking of how you could get all the girls, but surely not me. I would not fall for your charms I thought. But look at me now – the biggest fool of all. How is that possible?

Why, after I broke up with you, do you still haunt me like this? Why can’t you leave me alone?

The saddest part of it all is that we probably won’t end up together. I will marry someone else, have kids and raise a family, travel and live a meaningless life without you. I will live a life like a person lost in the desert, thirsty and desperately searching for an oasis to fulfill me. This desert will be endless and bleak. My soul is empty without you. There is nothing. Absolutely nothing. How could you abandon me in this desert and forget me so easily? How could you love me more than anyone, make all these promises, and neglect me due to a misunderstanding? How could you let confusion separate us? Why were you so weak to believe a lie told by someone else? Why didn’t you fight for me? How did you give up so easily?

You neglected me. All I wanted was to be with you. All I wanted was to sit in your car and feel your arms around me. I loved you SO much!

I’m so sorry you thought I cheated. I’m sorry you thought I wasn’t honest with you. I’m sorry I was nothing but a bringer of trouble and pain. I never meant to hurt you. I never wanted to lose you. I never wanted to leave your homeland and say goodbye. I wanted to stay and make love with you every night. I wanted to be your wife someday.

I wish I could turn back time and change everything. I wish I could make things right. Don’t you miss me after summer? Don’t you want to hear my voice again, feel my face one more time? Don’t you feel the same?

I still think of our moments together. I remember every sensation, every detail and the excitement of our rushing hearts and our trembling, nervous touching, kissing, holding. The touch of your skin is so vivid in my mind. Your lips against mine was the epitome of bliss. You drove me crazy and I would’ve done anything for you.

I cry every day because I miss you. It hurts so much. It’s so excruciatingly painful to have memories of you that will never fade.

If only you were here.. If only I could run to you. Where are you? I miss those good old days when we were just getting to know each other, when we couldn’t control ourselves and gave ourselves into love. I loved being your girlfriend. You were the most amazing thing in my life. The best thing that ever happened to me. I will never forget the day we first met. I truly believed that you were the one. Ironically, you loved me first. You adored me secretly and now I am the one longing for you from afar. I know I insulted you in my last e-mail, but truth is I have always admired you.. You were everything I ever wanted. I know you didn’t appreciate me acting like a little girl sometimes. I tried so hard to live up to your standards, to your expectations of me.

I wish so badly that you would find it in your heart to forgive me. Please, forgive me for whatever happened, for whatever has upset you and made you turn away from me.

I hate how we ended. I hate this silence, tension and pain. I wish from the bottom of my heart that there would be peace between us.

I pray that somehow you will hear the words I want to say, and respond to me… because I miss your presence more than anything. Your absence tortures me. It torments me every second of the day. How I miss you.. How much I miss you.. How it hurts to miss you. I must have done something horrible to you in a past life, to suffer so painfully, to receive no mercy, to sit and let life torture me with your absence.

I’m crying as I have finally realized that you were and you will always be the love of my life.

I will love you, and I will miss you, until the end of my life, and even in death I will still love you.. just as strongly as I do now..

Forever yours,

P.

3 Comments

  1. Letter To My Ex 5 years ago

    Oh honey, I just want to give you a big ‘ole hug.
    Hang in there.
    XX

    • Pema 5 years ago

      Thanks..
      I appreciate it. 🙂

  2. Lady Anne 4 years ago

    I have felt the exact same way as you about the dreams. That really hit home for me and you worded it beautifully. It is helpless to not be able to escape these emotions on your own, and it is awful to try and talk about to people. I hope that things improve for you and that in the least, the dreams cease.

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