Jackie-bo-Backie

Jackie-bo-Backie

Jackie-bo-Backie

I still remember the first time I saw you, how beautiful I thought (and still do) you were. I can even remember what you were wearing, and the way you had your hair that day, what we were doing. You took my breath away completely. I knew I had to be with you. Do you remember how I swept you off your feet on Valentine’s day that year? The boot and the cheesy poem that I wrote for you. Or how I used to visit you in high school? We would spend all of your lunch break on the third floor talking and making out. I was drunk in love with you. You were the first girl I had ever slept with, and I’m glad it was you whom I shared that first experience with. So many things come to my mind when I think us throughout the 4 years we spent together. Homemade sushi, your mom getting super pissed because we would stay up laughing all night, how we liked the same movies, every time you brought me home jelly beans, that ball exploding in my face, or at the hospital, “give me time”. I keep all these things in a special place in my heart.

I just wanted to say I’m sorry that I couldn’t be the boyfriend/husband that you deserve. I’m sorry that I f***** up and got sent away for a long time. It messed everything up. By that point I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, but I guess it was never meant to be. And no hard feelings for everything that went on during those 12 months I was away. I say that now, but at the time I had trouble getting over. I wish I could take back everything I ever said that hurt you. How many countless times I told you that I couldn’t marry you anymore. Every time I told you that we were just too different. I’m sorry for that. One thing is for sure though, I still loved you through it all.

Once I got out, I had this rush of excitement and optimism for life. I wanted to see the world, to build my own world, explore and experience. I just wanted to love life. I needed you there, I just wish I’d told you. I know I made you feel like I was leaving you in the dust.

When I left to India I was so excited. You supported me every step of the way because you knew how much I wanted to go. And you let me go, but I knew you didn’t want me to. I could see it in your eyes each time it would come up. And then you asked me to marry you…. I said no, but I wanted to say yes. But I couldn’t let you be the one to ask. I wanted to make it special for you, out of left field. Pop the question when you least expected, ask permission from Jesse and your mom first, the old-fashioned way. You know me. I wish I could have had the opportunity to do that, but unfortunately I never will. Someone else will be the one to grow old with you, laugh at dumb commercials on lazy Saturday afternoons, make you dinner, take you travelling, watch foreign films, have a family, kiss you on your neck and tickle your collar bone, cuddle you to sleep, listen to your voice and the way you pronounce the “s” (never told you that either but I love it). …. Lucky guy.

I know it sounds like I’m still in love. I don’t know, who knows, maybe I am. I’m not a sloppy mess anymore though. And you don’t have to worry, I don’t, won’t “stalk” you, whatever you meant by that. I wouldn’t even say Hi to you if I ran into you, just because I know you wouldn’t want that. I’m not even sure how to end this letter. I guess I could say, I’m sorry for all the bad, but thank you so much for all the good. Our lives are like books if you think about it. You were definitely one of my favorite chapters. I’m sure I’ll feel the same many years down the road. Take care.

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