you’re gone. we both fell hard and wrestled in our passionate sometimes crazed affair. waxing and waning like the moon. it’s hard to forget your shifting moods. the way you took me in through your glinting eyes in the candlelight by my apartment. the first few dates you refused to kiss me and built up the suspense. we plunged together and lost sight of our limbs in the middle of the night. i wish i had stayed. we never got a fair shot at this. when you decided to stop trying, i worried about ever being able to trust again, to love fully without creeping doubt. we promised each other everything. built up the walls around us in the imagined living room of our minds. i really believed you. i felt safe. now i’m not sure what safety looks like. my bones ache. my chest is sore. i am burning.
i let you go… because i love you. i want the best for you. i told you it might not be me. you didn’t disagree. you wanted to stop trying. you told me i can’t go either way. you pointed out my misgivings as if to contradict the deep feeling of belonging i felt with you. you hold grudges. and i’ll want to belong with you for a long time. you’ll keep making excuses.
i don’t think our contract is up. i have a hunch we’ll cross paths again. i hope next time you won’t hesitate. dig deep in yourself for that knowing, so next time you’ll be sure.