Nothing left

Nothing left

Nothing left

Angus,

I don’t know how to go on without you. Even though i know that it’s truly over, that you don’t love me anymore, i still can’t accept it. You are even with someone else! This really hurts me, more than anything has hurt me as long as i remember. I know that I am a fool for loving you, for missing you and for wishing you were still with me. You tell me you had started to move on before we broke up. That makes me so sad and also mad! I wish i had known. But then again, what could i have done. The damage was already done by then, wasn’t it? You say we both weren’t happy. Maybe we weren’t, but i feel like we were definitely happy at times, more happy than i’d been in a long long time in my life.

I know that we probably weren’t really right for each other, but that doesn’t feel like it matters at all right now. I don’t know if there was ever going to be a right time for us to break up. And i know that i was always going to be the one that was hurt the most. I wish i was stronger. I wish I could move on. I wish i could let you go. I miss you so much. You know how much i love food! And i can’t even eat anymore, the pain is so bad. I wanted to be your everything, i wanted to be the one that changed how you felt about marriage and life long love. I am not that person and i hate thinking that you might meet someone else who is that person.

I want this pain to go away so badly. I know i can’t contact you anymore, even though you are the only person i want to talk to all the time. I know you don’t ever want me back, i know you don’t love me anymore. What i wouldn’t do to change that. I think about your face, your body, your eyes your hands, all the parts of you i knew so well and i miss so much. I hate thinking that someone else is getting these parts of you now. It makes me so so sick to my stomach. I don’t know how it was so easy for you to move onto her. How you can be intimate with her, when the thought of being with someone else repulses me. She is so lucky to have you, i hope she knows that. And i hate her so much for having you.

I pray for the strength to let you go. I pray for the strength to forgive you and wish you happiness. I hope that one day I can look back on us and be happy and accept it for what it was. That seems impossible now. Every day seems so hard, every breath so painful. I prayed at 11.11 every single time i could, that you and i would be together, from day one of our relationship! Every time you saw me mutter mutter, that’s what i was wishing for. I don’t think i’ll ever wish at 11.11 again. Angus, i love you, i miss you, i hope that i can move on. I never meant and still don’t mean to make your life difficult or miserable. I just want you to know my pain and that I will never ever forget you as long as i live. I can’t stop crying and i can’t accept what’s happened, i can’t stop loving you. I don’t know how i’m ever going to. I’m so scared, so alone. I made you my everything, what a stupid thing to do, because now i feel like i have nothing.

Yours forever,

MJB

 

3 Comments

  1. Acat 5 years ago

    I have been where you are now….When my ex boyfriend and I broke up twice…and he was my first love. I felt like my whole world was shattered to pieces. I couldn’t eat…I couldn’t smile…I couldn’t go on with everyday life without the thought of him running through my mind. I constantly thought about what went wrong and the possibility of him being with someone else. The thought sickened me and it came true too. My sister had saw him holding hands with someone else after we only broke up three or four days later. I felt so hurt and betrayed because he had moved on so fast and didn’t give any time for me to heal…I felt like he was talking to her as we were on the verge of breaking up. No one in there right mind would jump into another relationship after they have just broken up. Now, I don’t know if they were really in a relationship or just dating but the thought of him smiling and laughing with her was enough to break my little heart. I felt like I was the only one crying and hurting inside. I felt angry and sad at the same time. I avoided everyone and was feeling really low. Then one day I told myself…I was not being fair to myself. Why would I let this guy put me in this misery…put me in this much pain. Wasting my life away while he enjoys every bit of it. I told myself enough was enough…I decided to give myself a time frame to cry and let it all out. After that I needed to get back on my feet and start living the life. I was missing out on so much as I was being sad over him. I told myself I am not giving him the satisfaction of seeing me suffer. So I got over him within maybe two weeks. Yes, there will be times when the memories and feelings start creeping up on you. But that’s when you have to push those feelings and emotions aside and distract your mind with something positive. Make yourself into a better person and have fun…sooner or later when he hears you are doing absolutely amazing without him then he will feel like he regrets breaking up with you or wants to take you back. But don’t fall into that trap because you would have worked so hard to get yourself together to fall right back down. Believe me this is coming from experience. Once you get back together…the past becomes real again and all the pain will resurface. It doesn’t work out.

    It might sound cliche…but you deserve better. If someone really cares for you they wouldn’t put you through that much pain. So try to get yourself together and believe me there are better days. It may feel like you are standing under a dark cloud but sunny days will be ahead of you. But you have to make sure you let go and when you do great things will happen to you when you least expect it. That special someone will treat you ten times better then the last and you will look back and thank him for leaving.

  2. Same situation 5 years ago

    I was searching for something that give me ideas on how to write a letter to my ex. I understand you. What you posted is definitely similar to my situation. Its so hard to forget although nine months had just passed. Me myself facing so much troubles on the letting go progress. He’s now getting a new girl. Going to. And she’s one of my good girl friends. I cried. I hurt myself. But i’ll need to know that there are more people around me that loves and cares for me. I hope you feel the same. All the best.

  3. Men Do That 5 years ago

    @Acat,

    Men do that especially when their ex partner says they don’t love them anymore. If they said it’s over, then it’s none of their business for they let them go. Have you ever considered that it may have been a friend giving comfort for he was heartbroken? Men want to feel loved too & just the feeling knowing a friend is there for you in tough times is something to consider. He may have though & if you were the one to let him go then all you have said means nothing for he wasn’t yours anymore. I am only saying this from a observer point of view not my own situation.

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