10-17

Love is intoxicating.

There’s no doubt. And we all endlessly chase it. Because we don’t know what it is to live without it until its gone.

And so I hyperfocus

On the realist love I’ve ever known

Because its just that.

The realist love I’ve ever known.

And the weird thing is, I’m usually fairly logical.

I don’t often pursue dead ends.

Don’t invest a lot of time in people who don’t appreciate me.

Don’t fall in love with people from afar.

Don’t fall too fast.

Don’t fall too hard.

Know when to give up

Know when to walk away

But not this time.

This whole thing has thrown me for a loop.

I know I don’t want to be cliche

I know I’d prefer not to be a fool.

I know I don’t want to sound ridiculous.

So I won’t say “living without you doesn’t feel like living at all”

And I won’t say “since you left” “heartbroken” “i don’t understand why” etc.

I will say this:

You haven’t left my mind.

I don’t know if it’s just that love defies all logic and I should know that, or if these feelings of “meant to be” (okay, just one) really are.

I know I’ve never felt this way.

Although the world seems to be bombarded with people who do.

Lost love is everywhere.

Some are more desperate than others.

I’m not desperate.

I just can’t shake the feeling that our story wasn’t over.

And I know how stupid that sounds.

But I’ve never felt that way about anyone.

Everyone else came and left in what I always regarded as the right time.

And I knew when to let go.

I’ve never wanted anyone back.

And I know that probably doesn’t mean anything to you.

But it does to me.

Because its out of character.

And so it doesn’t sit well.

Everyday seems long

And every night longer.

And I can’t help but feeling that I’m waiting But for what?

We don’t even speak.

I have no idea what you feel, what you do, where you go.

I just have memories.

That strike me at the oddest of times,

All the time

I don’t want to go into too much detail about old stuff But I will say that I know now that those were lessons I had to learn.

I needed to lose real love to appreciate it. And you were the only one who could teach me that lesson.

I see that now.

But now that I do appreciate love, like sincerely understand why people call it the best feeling in the world Now what?

I tell myself I went through the stages

I felt guilt

I apologized

I waited

I apologized

I grieved

So what is left?

I’m still waiting,

Always waiting, it seems.

And so I told myself i wanted to be better.

I wanted to learn every possible lesson that i could from this whole experience And that I was going to decide who I want to become, pick up those pieces and take them with me.

And I have.

Ive deconstructed, agonized, and learned.

I’ve forgiven myself for giving up.

I’ve “Let Go and Let God”.

I’ve accepted all possibilities

And I know how things are looking.

So now what?

What else?

I suppose I could get myself together physically, Focus on my appearance and being healthier.

I started a spinning class and I’m dieting again.

At least on a diet, I can wake up with satisfaction knowing I didn’t cheat on my diet the day before.

But then what?

Perhaps career focus?

Finishing my last year of school.

Getting a good, solid job in the right legal field for me.

Passing the bar.

Ok.

But will the rest of my life just be meeting these goals to pass the time?

They don’t seem as satisfying anymore.

They’re just time-fillers.

I wonder sometimes if you’ll come around.

Strangely enough, I never wonder if you still love me.

I know you do.

But it doesn’t change a thing.

I wonder about random things with you

Like what music you listen to when you work out And if you’re happy at your school.

It’s been a year now! More than a year.

I wonder if you’re getting restless.

Or if you feel content at your job there.

I wonder how many times you’ve changed around your (new) room since I last saw it.

I wonder who you’ve become.

But mostly when I think of you

I either vow to not give up

Or feel defeated.

I don’t know if we’ll ever speak again

I don’t know if you’ll ever want to.

But I know I do.

It’s ridiculous that I have this much to say.

What’s more ridiculous is I feel I’m only just beginning.

1 Comment

  1. Nana 6 months ago

    Hello. This is so brilliant I have no words left to say but that I relate to every single thing you’ve just wrote so deeply, so thank you for writing that out. God. Especially the part where you said how all these goals in life are merely just time fillers. Nothing feels complete and I barely feel properly alive anymore but what can I even do about my situation right now? Nothing, I guess.

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