Here we are after almost 3 months of being separated….going thru impending divorce….why does this have to be so difficult?
I have been thru hell…not just in the past 3 months, but for years…..why did you have to be so abusive? If you weren’t such a mental and physical bully none of this would be happening! Do you even realize that? I am so angry and hurt that you decided that drinking and allowing yourself to beat on me and choke me was okay…..I guess you thought saying you were sorry every time would be all you had to do and things would be fine….well things most certainly were not fine….not for me….and how the fuck could they be fine for you? How?
By the way, drinking is nothing more than an excuse. The real problem lies deep inside of you….so stop trying to blame the abuse on drinking. You know that you were abusive when you were sober too, so that is bullshit. Quit trying to blame your behavior on other things….face up to it and own it. Only YOU are responsible for your own actions. As long as you insist on denying that fact you will never be better, and you will continue to be an abusive bully.
I thought you loved me….we were married for crying out loud! Almost 14 years…16 together. And what it comes down to in the end is that you were jealous and insecure. News flash: I never cheated on you…your continuous accusations are what ruined our marriage. So I hope you are satisfied with what this has caused. Are you fucken happy now? Are you feeling like you are right now? Is that why you did these things?
I don’t know how you thought you would get a different answer, but no matter how many times you bullied me I was not going to admit to something that I did not do. I guess you thought that you could break me somehow, but I would never give in as you wanted me to because the things you accused me of simply did not happen. I simply could not admit to things that were not true, no matter how much you convinced yourself they were. And no matter how many times you threatened me. It was never going to change that fact.
I understand now that you were trying to have an excuse that you thought would justify your abuse. Deep down you KNEW what you were doing was so wrong that you just could not live with yourself. That’s what was driving you crazy….your own guilt. You could not find the reason to feel okay about being abusive to your wife could you? It’s just too hard for you to admit what you are, isn’t it? Does it feel good finally having to face consequences for your actions Larry? Does it make you feel good or are you still in denial? Do you finally realize that I did not cheat on you? That you are a paranoid insecure man, and that you are a batterer? How does it feel?
You have no idea what being abused feels like, because you have no empathy….so the only way for you to understand is to go thru your own pain. Maybe now you have an inkling of what it’s like….but you will never truly know. Not unless you are abused by someone for years….you can’t possibly understand.
Everyone tells me life will get better for me someday….all I know is it’s not better right now. I have to suffer just to get away from you, just so I can be alive and not live like a dog in my own home. You are so controlling that you think you had the right to choose if I should live or die…..well not this time. I have been choked, hit, threatened and hurt by you for the last time. I am fucking done with your abuse, you don’t own me anymore Larry.
I warned you, told you it would come to this if the abuse did not stop. Didn’t I? And I gave you so many chances….but you just kept doing it, and getting worse. So I knew that I had to leave as one day you would strangle or beat me to death….that much became obvious as time went on.
You know what hurts the most? Is that I invested so much of my life and love in you, and you just destroyed it. I know I have my faults and I am far from a perfect person, but no one deserves to be abused …..NO ONE! Will you ever understand this? I somehow doubt it.
I suspect you will move on to your next victim quite quickly. I feel bad for you and your future “replacement wife”. It will be even worse for her than it was for me I am sure.
I have no interest in men, or a relationship. The irony is that you always accused me of infidelity, accused me of having someone better to go to. Well guess what? I don’t. I’m not the one trying to look for a “replacement” am I? If I had a “man” to go to where is he? Huh? I guess you were wrong about that hey? So obvious that you are wrong, and now it shows. Do you feel good about that? Are you satisfied that you ruined our marriage over your paranoid delusions? Because that is exactly what you did. Live with that now Larry.
If you really are sorry, as you keep trying to pretend, you would realize its over and it’s time to move on….stop trying to control everything. I am not trying to be unfair….but you still want to fight. What the hell is wrong with you? Seriously! It’s like you cannot face the reality of what you have done….do you think choking and abusing your wife is normal? Dd you honestly expect me to stand around and take that shit forever?
I hope this experience teaches you a valuable lesson….I hope you finally understand that you have been a very very abusive man for a long time. And I hope you finally face your inner demons and confront them. You are a very bitter and angry man, and you will never be happy until you face that and get help to fix it.
I hope for your sake that you do. There is a good person deep inside of you…I have seen him…that was the man I married…..but the man you are now is different….mean and angry and dangerous….so that is why this divorce is necessary. I choose my life over you.
Looking back I see that you wore a mask, tried to conceal who you really were….that mask is what you try to wear to hide that dark side. But people see through that mask Larry. And they know. You cannot hide it from everyone.
So I have to move forward, and I am angry that I did not do this sooner. By me allowing you to apologize and repeat the pattern so many times I realize I was simply enabling you…allowing you to believe your abusive behavior was somehow justified. I know now that nothing justifies that….NOTHING!
So sit there and think you are right….but look in the mirror. You know what you did to cause this….and you know that it was wrong. I hope you figure out what is wrong inside your head and stop being abusive and being so angry and paranoid, blaming all of your problems on everyone else in the world. It’s a shame you did not care enough about me enough to try sooner….here’s hoping you figure it out.