You hurt me without knowing  how much you hurt me. Every time you insulted me felt like a stab in the stomach. Every time I heard you say mean things I felt the air go out of me. I questioned why I was here. You told me everyone hated me. No one at this school even likes me. My own teammates hate me. I’m not welcome. You stare me down and make comments whenever I pass. You do this so blatantly so that I have no way to ignore it, and you know that. You do it to purposefully hurt me.

You succeeded. I hate myself. I hate this school. I hate lacrosse. I hate class. I hate everything about this place. Which is terrible. I loved this school. I couldn’t have been happier. Some of the absolute best times of my life have occurred here or because of this college. And you took that from me. I can’t stand it here. Every day is a struggle to get through. I wake up and lay in bed thinking about how I’m going to possibly make it through the day. I see you everywhere on campus and am reminded of all the things you have told me. “You’re a terrible person.” “All of your friends think you’re a shitty girlfriend.” “I was never happy with you.” “You’re the biggest mistake I’ve ever made.” “I hope every boyfriend you have cheats on you.” “I can’t believe I wasted time on you.”

I hear these things every time I see you. Every time your name comes up in conversation. Every single fucking day. And you don’t realize how much these things impacted my life. To you, they were just things you said because you were angry and breaking up with me. To me, however, they defined who I was. You make me feel like everyone does hate me. That no one will ever be my friend. That I can’t walk into a room without being talked about or go to a party without people yelling at me. You think it’s not a big deal. You’ll get over the break up and go back to normal, but you ruined my life here at school. You ruined my social life by trash talking me and exaggerating every single flaw I have. You didn’t tell anyone the real reason we broke up. You were too insecure in our relationship, stole my phone, searched back through 2 months of text messages to find a text between me and an ex whom I hadn’t seen in three years, a conversation that occurred while our relationship was put on a “break” by you. And that’s the real reason. You ruined friendships with teammates. You ruined my confidence. I feel like everyone really does hate me. That no one wants me around anymore. And by now I honestly believe it. I don’t want to be here both physically and mentally. I have to take sleeping pills just to be able to get some sort of escape at night because I won’t sleep without them.

I hate myself everyday all because you don’t realize the consequences of how you treated me. You don’t think about how it’ll affect me, only about making me feel like shit. And I do feel like shit when you say those things to me, but it’s not just in that instance. Everything you say builds and builds and doesn’t go away every. It follows me around and makes everyday harder and harder.