It’s been 6 days since we last talked when I asked you if you wanted to push me out of your life for good. If you wanted it to be as if I never existed. The emotional turmoil you have put me through the past 2 mos made me lose control of my emotions, like a tidal wave come crashing on me receptivity, which put me in a state of denial. I couldn’t believe someone like you was capable of inflicting such pain and agony. I realized from the last time we talked that you held resentment toward me for hurting you in the past. So in turn you waited and waited for the right moment to retaliate and yes you finally got your revenge.
You not only stung me but you stung me deep and it will always linger inside forever. I’d rather relieve the 3.5 yrs of a violent abusive relationship being verbally abused, beaten for every mistake he thought I made and raped 2 -3 x a week than to relieve the emotional agony you put me through. You maliciously sucked me in, your web of lies and excuses that had me spinning around in circles, pushing me out only to draw me back in and repeat. Naive like a little girl, I begged, pleaded and fought for you which only resulted me looking like a clingy demanding foolish girl. I want to hate you so badly but that’s not my nature. I don’t care what you’re going through, what dark period that’s in your life, if you seriously wanted me in it, you would have seriously made an effort, no reason, no excuses. Period.
I will never see you the same way again. I’ve seen your dark side, you got your revenge. You won. Yes I was flighty in the past, that was when I was unsure if what we had was an illusion- fantasy or real. My love was always real and true. Yes I made promises I didn’t keep but I never did that with intent to cause harm. That was out of my fear. You knew that of course yet you stayed. If I was that bad you should have left me a long time ago. And I will tell you this, you will regret this decision for the rest of your miserable fuking life. I won’t, bc I have tried my damnest to fight and it got me nowhere. My efforts failed, I was blind to see that you had already made your decision and you had already stung me. I only realized too late. I will never forget what you did but I do forgive you. More for myself than for you.
This is something you will never know, I am amazing, I am not easy. I am worthy. You don’t know any of that bc you gave up. The real truth is, everybody is going to hurt you, but you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for. I always thought that sometimes a fight saves a relationship where silence breaks it. But unlike you, I spoke up for my heart and because of that, I will have no regrets.
Nothing hurts more than being disappointed by the single person I thought would never hurt me. It’s ironic bc your ex wife hurt you in ways that was out of malice, and here you are, always telling me that you were better than her. I tell you that you are not. You’re just like her.
I understand that you’re in a dark place in your world. What I don’t understand is how and why you pushed me away so far from the point of no return. I don’t understand why you had to hurt me like you did. I suffered more than you’ll ever know. I forgive you but I will never trust you again. I don’t trust you with my feelings, in case you disregard them again like they’re trash. I don’t trust you to be honest bc you’d rather comfort me with a lie instead. I don’t trust you not to pull this disappearing act again when you’re struggling with your demons. I don’t trust you not to retaliate out in revenge because I did something that hurt you but you never let it go. I can’t trust you period. And without trust, there’s no respect. I have lost complete respect for you as a man. A real man would have voiced that he was struggling, that he needed time and space to recuperate. I would have respected your wishes. Instead you rather lash out with your stinger and get me where it hurt the worse. Now I’m putting my heart back together one piece at a time. So while you go back home to be with your kids and friends to ” heal”. When you come back, and if and when you want to contact me. I will be long gone. For I will heal too and once I do, I will move forward and not look back. Ever. You will always be looking back full of regret, wondering if you’ll ever be loved, or if you’ll be alone for the rest of your life. This kind of behavior on your part, will definitely show you that.
I will take this as a lesson learned. I know I had my part in this too but there’s a difference between me and you. I never intentionally hurt you, not out of malice or as an act of revenge. That’s not my nature, and you’ve always seen my true colors. I’m glad I saw yours, better late than never. Goodbye J for now it’s my turn to heal and never look back in you direction. Hope your suffering and decision was worth it. This choice will eat at you for the rest of your life. It’ll be an itch inside you that you can’t scratch, constantly reminding you of me, and the choice you made. You’re the one who’ll end up suffering, not me. I hope that makes you happy and that you’re happier w/o me. I know that I will.