I’ll never understand you

I’ll never understand you

I’ll never understand you

Dear My First Love,

It’s been 5 months now and I’m happy to say I’m getting over you. It hasn’t been easy. I guess that’s because I gave so much of my heart and myself to you, only to have you cheat on me and dump me in return. No matter how angry I get I can never stay angry at you and I think a part of me will always love you a little. I do wish we could have been on good terms, however maybe it’s for the best that we’re not in each others lives.

You really hurt me, you played with my mind and used me. You let me dream of a future with you that you probably had no intention of ever giving me. You chose a job over me, and where did it get you at the end of the day? All I wanted was love from you and for you to be romantic and be the way you were when we met and tell me how you felt. But you couldn’t even do that and you brought out a nasty nagging side of me. I have been with My True Love for about 3 months now and that side has never once come out because he constantly tells me that I matter to him. You should have ended it before coming home that time, you know why you didn’t, you used me for the last time and maybe you thought of it as revenge for my nagging. Maybe you were still unsure but you should have come to me and we could have worked it out. You know I would have done anything to make it work. You gave up on me and on us. And of course I still don’t really know why you left because you never told me! What kind of a person breaks up with their girlfriend and then blocks their phone number and with the only explanation being, it’s too intense. Who does that??? Who then starts talking to them again only to stop and block again. You had to know I wanted to get back together, you couldn’t be that stupid.

I know you’re alone still and I know you’re back… I keep tabs on you because I don’t want to see you somewhere and be shocked. I also get satisfaction out of knowing I’m doing better than you. I am finally back on my feet and planning a life with My True Love, the one you could have had with me. I also have a job that will lead to a career. You’re married to your career and you’ll never be happy. You don’t really know how to love. You’re too selfish. I think the only person you really love is your mom.

I am also sorry for any wrongs. I know the big one. I am sorry but you had it coming to you. I found out you cheated on me and you pretty much shoved my face in it. You wanted to hurt me so I exposed what a monster you are. I am sorry that I did that and for the harm to your family. I miss them, I miss your mom, more than any of you would ever know or believe. I lost them because of you. I hold you responsible for that.

This whole situation has exhausted me. I plan on slowing stopping keeping tabs on you and having nothing to do with you. It was so easy for you to do that with me, makes me wonder if you ever really loved me.

You always knew how to make me laugh. You were my best friend, that part of you is what I miss the most and wish I still had. As a boyfriend you left a lot to be desired but you were my best friend. I’d give anything for you to still be my friend. We both gave so much with the distance and I don’t’ know how you could throw it away.

I still care. I still miss you. I don’t love you like that anymore but you will always have part of my heart. I’d still be there for you, you know where and how to find me. I wish you were the man I thought you were, the man I fell in love with. I hope you realize how good you had it with me.

Love,

Me

2 Comments

  1. C 4 years ago

    Oh, honey. Boyfriend of two years did the exact same thing. Claimed he wanted me to be the mother of his children, build businesses with me, get a puppy or two. Then I find out after his abrupt breakup before Christmas, that he has been with two other women seriously since we started dating! Used me for a shoulder to cry on and for financial life jacket when his own pathetic crack addicted tribe of family wouldn’t even pay attention to him being fucking evicted. Then blocks my number because I wanted answers, before I found them on my own.

    But fuck them & all the others like them! Glad you’re moving on! Keep the faith and be glad you didn’t have kids with the asshole! You’ll get over missing him! Ask God to give you strength and He will. I promise you…it will be a little tough. But realize although you miss him, he isn’t worth missing.

    I’m starting to do this. I start crying then I think, ‘I crying over a disrespectful prick who probably has crabs.’ It just starts not to look like the million dollars it seemed before.

    As I said, say your prayers for strength. I’m learning…manipulators often DO know how to make us laugh and befriend us. Reading a book called ‘Toxic Men’…not very bashy, just informative and empowering. They are always best friends so they can learn our secrets, our dreams, our passion, our weaknesses…so then they can use bits and pieces of what we gave them to turn around and lie to us, steal from us, cheat on us, humiliate us, play to our fears, apologize to us, then do it all over again.

    You must keep it moving. Miss him and keep moving. Cry and keep moving. At all cost, keep moving forward! Because if you stay in a place of wanting what you had and trying to understand what you didn’t and thought you did…You will not heal. You will only play into his ego. You will only be stagnate. And you must grow. And you MUST know…that God let you experience this, so you can know what to look for and avoid the next round. Stay positive! You’re further in this journey than I am. So know that you can reclaim this for good, not sorrow. You can laugh at this one day. From a beach. From the office of a business you’ve been dreaming of. From the open road this summer. You can move forward. And be laughing instead of crying, from a new place in life, because you did – keep pushing!

  2. Sarah Lund 2 years ago

    I can definitely relate to it. The bit about them wanting to go far away, to another country. I just hope karma gets revenge on these types. Just don’t be so vulnerable or so open with a man, next time you get talking to one. Or is that what our ex’s want? Us to not be able to be in a relationship with any other man? Just be careful who you get involved with. So will I. You don’t need that ex who left. You can find a man better than that. I know it’s heartbreaking, but there’s plenty of opportunities for us to meet other men, in the future. Why let one mistake dictate the rest of our lives? If HE can forget about ME, then I can forget about HIM. Maybe I’ve already got my eyes on a certain man. lol. Some ex’s are just chancers. They like to see whether they can get away with things, then they keep doing it to other women.

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