Dear B

I’m not sure how to begin this, and I feel somewhat selfish writing this letter so long after our breakup. I feel like I should just be an adult and get over it. I should be able to recognize when something is over and accept that and to accept that I can’t change it. If you were any other girl, I likely could accept it, but you’re not any other girl. You are Becky; Becks; BB; and, at one time, baby. Regardless of what I call you, all those names are just ways to refer to the girl I love and I love you an immense amount. Over many months, I’ve come to realize this love is unconditional. When you get mad or ignore me, I don’t love you any less. Yes, it hurts and I don’t enjoy it, but my love for you stays strong. I cannot control my love for you. It’s also why I can’t give up on you. I could never give up on family because I love them unconditionally. I also can’t give up on someone I think about every day. I love you unconditionally Becky and I think about you each and every day.

When we first met, I didn’t know what I wanted out of life. All I really knew is that I wanted a job that made a difference in peoples lives and provided a comfortable lifestyle for my future family. I knew I wanted kids and to find a woman that I was crazy about to share a life with. That’s really all I knew. So when you would ask me about the future and what type of wedding I saw myself having, etc.. I didn’t really know. I just described one I had been to that I thought was fun and nice, but I hadn’t ever really thought much about it. The only concrete thing about my future life I knew is that I wanted to be an oral & maxillofacial surgeon. I wanted this because I found it interesting, rewarding, knew I could make a difference, and I would be able to provide my family with the luxuries and experiences I wanted them to have. Through getting to know you, however, it became abundantly clear to me what I want in my life. I want to make you happy. I want to be the one to make you smile, to make you laugh. To hold you when you’re sad or you’ve had a bad day. I want to celebrate the good with you and support you during the bad. I want to make you grilled cheese/tomato soup when you’re sick. I want to give you a massage when your Sciatic nerve is acting up. I want to dance with you at country concerts. I want to go to Cass and fish with you and your dad. I want to see Ruth turn 91. I want to watch the Twins with you, your mom, and sister. I want to be part of the important times in your life and I want you to be part of mine. I want you to meet my family, my brother. I want you to have family dinner with them and have you beside me as we say a prayer before eating. I want to show you off to the world and tell everyone how amazing you are and how much I love you. I want to… the list is endless. I want to be in your life. I want you to be the most important person in my life. I know sometimes you would get annoyed when I would “do too much” for you. Like when I drove across town to bring you Advil at work, or when I made sure you were awake for class after a long night of studying and brought you Starbucks and a light breakfast. I never thought anything of it and, honestly, nothing made me happier than being able to do little things to make your day better. I want to be your rock. Someone you can lean on, someone that loves you to pieces, someone that would do anything in the world for you.

I strongly believe we met for a reason and we ended up dating for a reason. I wasn’t looking to be in a relationship at the time, but you caught my eye and I knew I had to get to know the girl I met that night. We talked non-stop and ten days later, I was a nervous wreck picking you up at the Como Castle. I was so nervous; I completely spaced on how to get to Aster Cafe and ended up running a red going to Station 280. I remember that night fondly and thank god every day that I met you and that you’ve been a part of my life. As I got to know you, I fell deeply in love with you. You were everything I never knew I wanted in a relationship, in a partner. The way you talked about the kids you cared for. The way you talked about your family. The love you showed me. Each day I was with you, I fell farther. We may not have been together that long, but in that time, there was no doubt in my mind that I wanted to have you by my side through good and bad and to be by your side too. I strongly believe that I was meant to be and can be much more than a rebound to you and that the love we had was something special; a love that was cut too short. I think you may feel that to some extent too, but you may have been scared because at how quickly relationship was progressing. You had an old relationship you were comfortable with and knew you could go back to. Maybe you were afraid you wouldn’t like my family. Maybe you were afraid our families weren’t similar enough. Maybe you were afraid I’d move far away for residency and you didn’t want to move. Maybe you thought my residency decisions wouldn’t be a joint decision between us. I’m not really sure what you were thinking because you shut down and stopped communicating with me. What I do know, however, is that the love we had was real. The love we had was special. A love that is still in my heart. I believe you were scared of how much I loved you and the feelings you were having for me. I think that is part of the reason you couldn’t even tell me you were breaking up with me in person. Had we been able to communicate more effectively, I think things may have ended up differently. If any of those were concerns of yours, it is my fault for not putting your concerns at ease. I should have been clearer with my feelings and reassured you that any decisions I made would be a joint decision with you if we were together. Yes, I want to be an oral & maxillofacial surgeon, but being with you was more important to me than that. Your thoughts and opinions matter immensely to me and I wouldn’t have applied to any place you wouldn’t have gone too. If that only left the two programs in this state for me to apply to, I would have happily done that. I know family is important to you and it is extremely important to me. I can understand why you wouldn’t or couldn’t move. Luckily, I’m in the position that if I only applied to those two programs, I would, likely, still match. If I didn’t, it wouldn’t be a big deal. I could have just worked as a dentist for a year and reapplied the following year. I would have happily done that and had zero regrets because determining if what we had was as special as I believed it to be, would have been the most important thing to me. I think you may have been scared that things were progressing as they were and that we didn’t have the same values or as much in common as you and “M”. I think this is mainly because you never had the opportunity to meet my family. From what I know about you, your family, and my family, our values and our families are very similar. Our parents grew up under similar circumstances and instilled the same good, core values in both of us, values that guide me every day. I know that family is important, faith is important, and most importantly, love is important. These things our families have in common.

If you were to ask me about what type of wedding I’d like to have now or what I saw for my future, I’d tell you the venue or type of wedding really doesn’t matter to me. I could see myself having a fancy wedding at a mansion or a country wedding in a barn. I’ve had family members that have had both and they are both beautiful. All that matters to me is that the woman by my side is happy and that I’m surrounded by family and friends. In my future, I see myself raising a family. I see myself and my wife raising kids together. I see us making mistakes, but ultimately I see us showing them what love is and raising them to be good people. My parents did this for me and if I can do even a fraction of the job they did, I know my kids will turn out all right. I can see many things. I can’t see them, though, without a person who’s captured my heart beside me. I can see any of those things changing too, but as long as I’m with the person I love and they are happy. I’ll be happy. I can see that special person being you. You’ve brought so much joy into my life; the night I met you was the best night of my life, and I feel so blessed that you came into my life. You made me a better man and make me want to be a better man every day. I know it is somewhat selfish to talk about our relationship when you’re in another relationship. But you have to understand that I only know you in that one context. I want to know you outside of that context as well. That is difficult, though, because we were a couple and because of how everything began, you aren’t comfortable talking to me anymore. I’m curious about you. Curious about what great things you’re doing. How your family is. What amazing, independent woman you’ve become since you left me. It is hard because we knew each other so well. We meant so much to each other. And now we only talk briefly or I reach out and don’t get a response. It is as though all the things we talked about and the loving, fun moments we had have evaporated and to me that seems like such a shame. I hope that sometimes you look back on the times we had and smile like I do and hope that you understand that I will always care for and love you even if you can’t return that love. This letter isn’t something rash or dramatic. I feel every word written with full conviction. Your name is written all over my heart and I love you like crazy. I’m in love with you and always will be.

Love,

J

 

P.S. Please read this lyric and lock it away, but know deep down that if you ever feel this way, need someone to talk to, or need anything that I am here. I am here now and I will always be here for you.

“But if you ever get lonely

And you miss me

If you need someone to listen

Even if it’s only

The sound of someone’s voice who loves you

That you need to hear

You know where to find me

If you ever get lonely”

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