I won’t settle

I won’t settle

I won’t settle

My dear M,

I hope you’re ok over the holidays, and you’re hanging out with your family a little more again, like before..I hate to think you’re lonely now.

M, I know it was me who broke up, I know you think it’s because I’m young and just look differently at relationships…but you know, you’re the one who’s been through this before, and you know how to forget someone and meet someone new and be happy..that’s all new to me, and I didn’t want this to end, it’s not because I just look differently at relationships.. I know you’re sad too now, but you don’t want to know me anymore, even in the future, even in a year..my friendship would mean nothing to you. That’s what you said.

We were two good people in a bad relationship, and I don’t even think we were bad for eachother, it’s just the circumstance of how we met and me moving here, having you as my only deeper relationship, no family or anything..we just got too codependent. I knew for a few weeks already that I would have to let you go, because the fights were getting so senseless, we both lost our patience with the other (and me with myself) too easily.. I wanted to break up and become the woman that I wanted to be from the start.. From the first night, when I got back to the place R and I were staying, I just kept dreaming I was a little older, and I wasn’t a student but I had somewhat of a career, and I kept dreaming you weren’t my first girlfriend..from the start somewhere deep down I knew that I wasn’t in the right, independent and autonomous state, to be your girlfriend..but I wanted it so bad, and we went from there.

I think it’s meaningless to spend one and a half year doing so much for eachother, meaning so much to eachother, to just break up and never hear from the other again, like it never happened..

I won’t settle for that. I don’t need to date anymore if this is how it works.

I’ll send you back the things you lent me when I move home in a few months, and you’ll hear from me oneday when I’ve gotten over you, and I’ve got a job and a home and a life of my own. And I hope we can just communicate and you can tell me how you are. And I hope you won’t say I’m compromising you when you have a new girlfriend. Because to trust someone is to believe they’ll be a good girl and won’t cheat even if they meet an ex, not to expect they won’t get into situations where you might actually need to put your trust in someone.

I can’t settle for a life not knowing you,

But I’ll leave you alone for now and try to get over it first.




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