Tonight, it is as if I can feel you trying to forget me.
At best, I envision you alone, in a cloud of thoughts that even you can barely understand, willing me away and out of your head like some undesirable quality you’ve always hated about yourself.
At worst, I cringe at the thought of you already finding solace in another’s arms, sleeping next to someone else, sharing their space, their air.
Am I so thoroughly unwanted? Am I so undesirable? Am I so lowly? So evil? That I should be cast away from you permanently?
Are you still angry? & If so, is it my fault that you are angry? Do you really still not know where your anger stems from? Can you really have nothing left to say? I just want to help.
I physically have to stop myself from finding you tonight. I want to… I want to rush in and hold you. I want to let you hold me. I want us to be close. I want us to be able to be close again.
I do not know how to will you back to me. I do not know how to urge you to will me back to you.
I don’t know how to be what you want… or that I ever was what you wanted. I still want to be… & Just as I was finished convincing myself that I had no thoughts left on the matter & that I no longer felt the same; out of the peace I’ve created leapt my love for you, as plain as day, telling me it had never left, but that it had only crept into a safe place in my mind so it could show itself to me when I would be less angry at its presence.
I am no longer angry with you. I am no longer angry with myself. If I had a habit of praying, I would pray that you felt the same. But I won’t even let myself hope.
I think it is hopeless.
As such, I will continue to behave as if you are never coming back.
If I keep acting like this, maybe I’ll successfully convince myself that it is the Truth.
& One day I won’t feel like you are drifting away because I would’ve left this emotional island that I’m stranded on.