Oblivion

I’ve been thinking about us. And if were just trying to keep up appearances and stay in each other’s lives because you feel like you have to or have some obligation then I don’t see much point. You said you wanted to be friends and that you still wanted me in your life and that we could have sleepovers (in separate beds) but if I’m holding you back and you’ve changed your mind I just need clarity that this chapter is over and we don’t need each other. I feel like I know nothing about you anymore and a relationship where such a thing can happen seems to be a surface one and I’m sure you don’t have time to try and make this something it isn’t. If you just want to let go, then let go.

It will be hard. But it’s okay with me. I can’t pretend you’re my friend if I don’t know that it’s true. I will miss the creek of your stairs and chasing you up them, and the pressure of your shower and the ease of being with you, and doing the quiz and me cheating but you still winning, and listening to your guitar even though I hated it because I love it still, and someone calling me cray because we both know I am crazy, and fighting because I’m crying or laughing because I’m crying, but I feel that the ease has faded and this is becoming forced and unnecessary. I want to try and I want you in my life because you were once very important to me but this can’t keep being stagnant. I’m not implying that you are displaying any signs of resentment towards me or not trying, and I’m not implying that I am in anyway doing a better job than you, but I believe we need to try harder or let this go.

I need to know that you care. You were my monument and my downfall and my proudest years but I can’t keep pretending that it’s not over. I can’t pretending that oblivion and my deepest fears were not brought to the surface. You were never really the most supportive of people, but you held my hand when you didn’t know what else to do. And I’m afraid, without being inappropriate, that can’t happen anymore, and what once was is not anymore. Whatever it was. You were the boldest three of my twenty two years. You are the most memorable and most inspired. You were the most painful and most challenging. But the times you smiled at me because at one point I was all you needed are burnt in my memory. My unforgiving memory that now only lives in at the back of my eyelids. You loved me like it hurt. And I you. And it still hurts. I have to learn to live in a world where my eyelids are just that. Memories that I will cherish and that I will not share. Our love story will live and die with me. I hope it is not already dead.

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