Some people say that the pen is mightier than the sword. I think they have it wrong. Because, I have probably started and stopped writing a thousand messages to. I know, because I’ve already tried writing this letter about twenty times tonight. Words just don’t come as easy to me, as actions do. I could say that I miss you, or that I still want to be with you. Though perhaps all I need to say is that I love you. I hope you know that this is true.
Even though we never truly got our chance to get to know each other. I still feel strongly for you. I might as well be up front and say it. You never are actually going to read this letter, and I can’t keep myself from feeling it.
I keep trying to distract myself from the thought of you. I’ve thrown myself into schoolwork. I study day and night. I watch brainless television so I don’t have to think. I paint, draw, write, study, decorate, work, organize, go on walks, read, anything. I do anything so I don’t have to think about you.
It doesn’t work. No matter where I am and who I’m with I would always rather be with you. And I want to let you go, I really do, I want to stop thinking about you because it’s exhausting having such strong feelings for someone I rarely see or hear from because it doesn’t make any sense.
I get so confused at times. And I know it’s best for you to have me out of your life, so I need you to tell me to move on. Even though it kills me to do so. Please, tell me that you’ve moved on, or that you don’t think of me. Or that you don’t even care for me at all and that this was all just a game you played with my emotions. Because I need to hear it, please, or I’m going to keep being delusional in thinking that we can work things out somehow. Please give me answers.
Look, I’m not angry with you for leaving me. I’m not especially to mad with you for ending things over a phone call (though I am still kind of peeved at that). The thing that gets to me is that I just keep thinking about it all.
I run the conversation over and over in my mind. And I’m slowly being driven insane by it. Truth be told. I seriously down-played my emotions.
I didn’t want to seem controlling or needy. I didn’t want to let you know that my heart was breaking at every word you said. I didn’t even let myself cry until much later that night around midnight when I broke down sobbing in the middle of the kitchen floor while getting a glass of water.
So, I’m sorry. I’m sorry if you felt things were moving too fast for you. I’m sorry if I somehow pushed you into a relationship. I’m sorry if I’ve lost you completely. Because I never wanted to lose you. I want to hear your voice, but I can’t call you for fear that you will be driven away again. I don’t think that I can lose you again.
So I’m consoling myself to be a mind-less lap dog. Trained to only do the right things, say the right things, and hold back my feelings. I bottle up inside. Only letting things out when no one can hear or see me. I often cry myself to sleep. Because I miss you. I still love you. And I still don’t understand.
So, please. Even if it hurts to bring this up again. Please give me answers. I can’t keep putting myself through this vicious cycle, but I don’t know how to end it.