Seeing you happy makes me happy

Seeing you happy makes me happy

Seeing you happy makes me happy

Dear Alex,

When I first saw you at camp the summer of 2012, I knew we would become very close. Up until Spring of 2014, you were a huge part of my life. You were always there for me and we only got closer as time went on. You’ve always been a good influence on me and you’ve convinced me to stop bad habits. You’ve also supported me when I was struggling with these habits. I can’t thank you enough for that. We were together for a long time, and I had the best times of my life with you.

You have a new girlfriend now and it makes me sad to see you with her or see the pictures of the two of you together. Sometimes I wonder if I ever really meant anything to you. I wonder this because of how you treat her vs. how you treat me. You give her flowers for your 3 month anniversary. You NEVER did that for me. You post pictures on Instagram all the time of the two of you. You had like 2 pictures of us and we were together longer than you have been with her.

The other thing I don’t understand is how you could move on so fast. Did I really not make that big of an impact on your life? Sometimes I wonder why you still have pictures of your ex girlfriend (the girl before me) on Instagram… someone you only knew for 3 weeks before she went back to her home state (Michigan), yet you delete the pictures of us as soon as we were done. Also, you were never open about our relationship. You always wanted to keep it a secret. It makes me feel like I was never a big part of your life to you and it makes me sad.

Did you ever realize how much crap you put me through? You lied to me, you cheated (more than once) and you sometimes even ignored me for several days in a row. I still went back to you, trusted you, and loved you despite everything you did to hurt me. I tried to treat you good and make you happy but I’m wondering now if that entire time, you were just using me and I never really did have a chance with you. How were you able to leave me like I was nothing? I was hopelessly in love with you. I smiled every time i got a text from you. It seems like just yesterday. Everything ended so fast, why?

The way you talked to me, and the way you looked at me… I thought what we had was special. I actually thought you cared. But now i look back at you and you’re smiling as if nothing happened. I was just wondering how you moved on so fast. It doesn’t matter how long it’s been, you’ll always have the same effect on me as when we first met. I bet you don’t know this but I cry myself to sleep every night thinking of you. Replaying everything you ever said, everything you ever did… and wondering where I went wrong. We don’t talk anymore and I feel like it’s forbidden I really miss being best friends with you.

You have no idea and you never will. I’m upset that I can’t be there for you the way I want to, but I’ll always be here for you… just like I promised. There’s never a day when I don’t miss you or think about what we had. I wish I could go back in time, I wish things didn’t turn out this way. I miss you so much, and I want it all back. I just want you to be happy, and if it’s not with me, that’s fine because you’re the only person I have loved enough to put before myself. Seeing you happy, makes me happy, and that’s what love is… right? I’ll admit it hurts to see you so fine without me and see the smile on your face and know I’m not the reason it’s there, but  I’m glad you’re happy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for you.

One last thing before I end this, thank you for giving me someone to hold, someone to kiss, someone to love. Thank you for letting me experience love even though it’s over now. I am happy that I was able to feel something so true and beautiful. I can’t thank you enough for what you have done for me. I love you. Forever and always… just like I promised <3

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