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“Some things are ought to be asked.” you said once. I replied, “Some things are ought to be said because I had the right to.”

Any minute now, someone calls at your gate and asks, “Ara si Mykl?” Probably, the one who’ll answer is your brother or your nanay. But it’s not you, I’m pretty sure about it. I hope you’re up in your room thinking about me lol on this part

Since you refuse to see me and everyone is tired of hearing me talk about it, I have no choice but to write a letter here. Hopefully this will help me get over it once and for all, but who knows.

I don’t understand what made you change your mind. Everyone thinks its absurd that you refuse to talk to me because that would be the best thing to do at this time.

I have tried several times to contact you each hoping they would end on good terms. Don’t get me wrong I don’t want you back, but some friendship like we said would have been nice. Yet everything ends in disaster and you belittling me.

lol because I should hate you, but I don’t. I think about you still and Twittter stalk you on the reg. (pls don’t block me and follow me again) I want you to know what it’s like. I wish you knew who I was now. Mostly because I know I have become so much better without you. I realized that I was infatuated with you. Yes, I loved you, but I think I was somehow more obsessed with you.

Dear you, I don’t know how to address you so that’s why its only “you.” Uhm by the way, I’m  your ex-girlfriend. Probably you wouldn’t want to go details but I just want you to know that I had a great time. By the time you’re reading this, I’m in Iloilo. You might be sitting, probably. Remember that plot twist you told me that if you break up with me then I’d get braces and I’d be pretty you might as well take me back. But first, read this. Please?

Quietly, I sat down staring at my laptop. My freaking eyes hurt. It’s 8:00 PM 10/29/2014 and I’m typing. There’s a box I found at the back of our house and your things were there, JN. Isn’t it weird I call you JN? Not Tan, not even Mykl because that’s weirder. I’m giving all these back to you, all the things you gave me. If you’re planning to do the same, please don’t. Keep my things. Or to make you feel better, burn them. Burn them to death and think about me burning with them. I’d be happy that you burned me to my death.

JN, I’m telling you why we broke up. I could do this in bullet form and tell you one times ten to the nth power reasons why but I’m too tired to even think about it.

It’s a great day. It was always a great day. With you, always. Always? Always. It was always perfect with you.

But today it’ll be not so great. I still remember our everyday from the cold night of December 14, I mean from the noisy afternoon of December 3 to the dark night of March 8, twas an exhausting day, that 8th of March. I tried hard not to cry on that night, and I did not cry, JN. I did it all for you even though I was hurting so much. Even though you were the reason I was hurting, I still did it for you. Stupid, right? I am telling you why we broke up, JN. Every little detail and the truth is I fucking adored and loved you, you asshole.

Again, this contains the memories of you and me together. I mean not literally, we’re not always together. But the memories, my happy memories. My only memories of you. I’m throwing them back into your life, I don’t want it anymore. I want to be happy, JN. I always wanted to be happy. I’ll admit I was hesitant giving these things back to you. Why? This box actually makes me smile. Reading your retreat letter is like the sweetest thing ever. Nobody ever liked me before, as if someone likes me now. I liked you so much. Your personalities, your perceptions, your judgments, your hair, ugh, your smell. I liked all these things and you didn’t like me back. This is why we broke up, JN.

Looking at this CN Blue album, it makes me laugh. I was imagining you picking out something to bring home for me when I didn’t really demand it. I mean, it was thoughtful of you and thank you for that. I find it cute and I can’t stop thinking about it. Even now. Don’t get me wrong, I was touched. I love CN Blue. Thank you for making me feel like I was special. But you didn’t like CN Blue, you don’t even know them. And you only made me special when you feel like it. This is why we broke up, JN.

This bracelet, it is so kewl. Thank you for knowing that my favorite color is yellow. I like it when people notice that without me telling them. But that was just a peace offering, you ruined the gift my manang gave to me. And you didn’t really notice my favorite color. I told you that. This is why we broke up, JN.

This retreat letter. I’m imagining you thinking so hard what to put in there. I can feel the pressure you feel while thinking. You think that what you should put in there is something what will make me smile. And actually, it made me smile. It pulled out the freaking smile hella of me. The mere fact that you called me milady is so sweet plus the effort you gave by waking up early just to send those letters. Awwwwwe. And when I say yellow pls don’t give me orange. A letter, but who writes a letter like that? Who were you to write one like that to me, so sweet? It boomed inside me the whole time, an explosion over and over, the joy of what

you wrote giving me the same hormones when I was still in love with you.. But, I can’t have it near me anymore, it’s a boomerang and it’s returning back to you, as soon as I unfold it and read it and cry over it one last time. Because fuck you. Even now. But you didn’t really think about the things you put in there. There was no pressure and you just woke up early because you had to because of the parade. Just pure coincedence. This is why we broke up, JN.

The ring. I know it’s not here, I misplaced it somewhere. And there’s actaully a saying that if someone gives a ring, they will break apart. (Only if the ring is misplaced or gone, forever) that was it, JN. I missed that ring. I missed you in the last few months. I miss you. I’m still missing you up until this moment you’re reading this. And this is why we broke up, JN.

Mykl II. (It’s not here also maybe it jumped home to you just check and that frog is freaking ugly also the hersheys i ate that so i’m sorry maybe i’ll give some to you when i have time and for the libre i still owe you, i will give it to you if i’ll have the confidence to) This frog, it still creeps the hella of me. You requested me to call him by your name so that I’ll remember you and guess what? It freaking worked.Thank you for the effort of thinking about how to make our monthsary memorable. You whispered, “Happy Monthsary.” And you’re voice, even though, not the most beautiful voice I have ever heard (bc it’s the “OKAY”), but still, it’s your voice. The voice of the one who made my heart have premature ventricular contractions. I’m stupidly in love with someone who can’t even remember me. I can’t get you outta my mind. And you’re not even thinking about me. This is why we broke up, JN.

Artpop. I was thinking about keeping this but, keeping this will mean that I’m still keeping a part of you in me and I want to be happy, JN. Please give it to me. I like sad songs and poems and I don’t want to be one. I want to smile, a real smile, free from longing that someone could still love me again. And that would be you. But, no. I could buy myself my own copy. But you, you giving me artpop, means you love me. I love Lady Gaga. And you did that to make me happy. But you’re not making me happy anymore. This is why we broke up, JN.

Your calls. The night you asked me to sing. The nights we texted. The days you told me you hated me and the days you said you loved me. The nights you said good night and the nights you slept without even telling me. The songs I loved to hear and the songs you hated to hear. I’d ruin my life, because of those days, for those long nights with you, and I did. But that’s why right there it was doomed. I longed for your texts and it simply made me sad. We had magic nights. We had to hide from the people we lived in with. We had those days, too. The days where you said you’d text me but you didn’t. This is why we broke up, JN.

You liked “like” my friends, Joanna and Alessa. You don’t reply to my texts. You don’t call me. You don’t send me good morning texts. You don’t ask me what have I been doing. You don’t ask me my favorite song. You don’t ask me what am I doing. You don’t ask if I ate. You don’t hug me. You don’t dance with me. You don’t sing to me. You don’t do things boyfriends should do. You don’t love me. This is why we broke up, JN.

You never called me your girlfriend. You never even considered me as your friend. You don’t talk to me at school or even at person and you don’t tell me any of your plans. You don’t tell me anything, not even about your family. Not even your favorite food. Not even your favorite song. Not even your future plans. I know you’re not certain about the future. I’m not certain too. But we can make the future together, JN. If only you didn’t give up. I don’t know about the things you want to do with your freaking life! I don’t fucking know my boyfriend. I’m so worthless. My boyfriend can’t even open up his problems to me because he thinks I’m too dumb. Why don’t you try reading my mind since you’re so smart and I’m so dumb? JN, you are a great guy and I missed that guy. You know I wanted to be an architect but chose to become a doctor. But you don’t really know what I’m designing in my head or what I’m healing in my heart. This is why we broke up, JN.

They say you’ve changed and you became better. But how did you do that? Is it because of me? Or not? Did you become better because there’s no Armie in your life anymore? There’s no one who will annoy you. Because Armie is a bitch. JN, I’m happy you’ve changed. Be mature enough to think things over. AGAIN.

I will tell you once to come back for me. Before you marry anyone else, I want you to come find me. I would’ve stopped you then. Now, I dare you to come back for me. Come back for me if you’re prepared to see everything I’ve become and you know what I’ll do? I will literally lol you because you think you can do this to me just one last time. Don’t worry I will give you a tour of the hospital first and introduce you to him.

I’m in love with my bestfriend Jener, JN. But he’s not in love with me. And that’s okay, he’ll fall in love with me (I will raise hell to do just that). I’m in love with you and I’m hurt. Jener hugs me tight because he’s my bestfriend. He sends me good morning and good night texts. And he puts his arms around me. Because I’m his bestfriend. That’s different. If you do this to me, that’ll be a whole lot different. I’m a mess.

But here’s the thing and I’m gonna do it

here’s the thing i love you so much that it hurts and i cried so much that it hurts and i missed you so much that it hurts and i felt a lot of things that it hurts

maybe nothings ever gonna change, but I hope it will, between you and me but i just want you to know that whatver happens you don’t forget your first love

and that freaking sucks.

yes i am not your first love and you would forget me eventually and that freaking hurts me and i’m like dying everyday with the thought that you’re gonna forget me one day and that i will remember you for the rest of my life

and the rest of my life will be a very long time

like forever

i miss you so much tan like so so so so so much you have no idea hell no you don’t

i need you so much tan like so so so so so much you have no idea hell no you don’t

and i love you always

always might be a very long time but forever is also a very long time and i choose to believe in forever

pls i’m sorry for leaving you pls forgive me

we can surely relearn the things we already know

and learn new things we didn’t get to know

we could text each other like before

or we could text each other like we never did before

we could come up with new ideas

or we could continue the ideas we had before

we could listen to old songs that remind us of the past

or we could find new songs and make brand new memories

we can do anything

anything

we can do it your way whatever you would like

and that just makes me clingy

or

I could just go on with my life

You could just go on with your life

I could be a doctor

and what the hell do you want to do with your life bc I freaking don’t know

I could live with a dozen dogs and I would love it

I could get married to a doctor and have kids

You could… You know I don’t even know you.

I could live a whole new life

You could live a new life too

I must admit, I miss you. But it fades with time. At least you got that going for ya, hun.

We may not have worked out, but that doesn’t mean you won’t find anyone ever again (but I hope so lol you haha joking). Were young and have our whole lives to fall in love and if our paths cross again then so be it. But until then good luck my friend and be safe. You mean the world to me and always will.

This letter wraps up any last minute things I have to say to you. You won’t see this ever again, nor will you ever hear me say it to you out loud but getting out makes me feel better.

And I mean to know if you still plan to stay here in the Philippines or not. So that I’ll know whether to make asa or not.

LOVE, I MEAN, WITH MESSED UP FEELINGS, ARMIE. (YOUR EX GIRLFRIEND WHO STILLS THINKS THERE’S HOPE)

03:47 AM 10/29/2014

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