Today is your birthday. And more so than anything else I wish you the happiest birthday I can. To be clear, this will be my last attempt. Not to shame, blame or try to guilt you in any way. But really a last resort because there is still so much I want to say to you. And if you never read this I’ll understand.
I could fill your voice-mail, send endless messages and letters continuing to try to apologize for how things ended but I know it won’t do any good. I don’t want to try to “win” you back or beg you for forgiveness. Too much has happened for an “I’m Sorry” to change how you feel now. But the truth is that at the moment I don’t know how to stop being sorry for all of this. I realize how poorly I handled things and I know there’s no way to take it back now.
I should have been honest with you from the start. From the moment I started to feel like being together wasn’t what I wanted I should have told you. Trying to have it both ways was the worst way I could of handled it. I didn’t know what I wanted when I was in Eugene, but I knew something was wrong with our relationship and I knew I needed a change.
But what I’ve realized these past few weeks, talking to Shannon, my mom and family, is that when it comes down to the reality of what was happening, you were not the problem I wanted to solve. I was. My own insecurities and doubts about being able to succeed in the direction I’ve been heading.
You were a beacon of light in my life, a positive force driving me forward to do better and feel better about who I am and what I do. The time that you and I spent together changed my life. It gave me confidence, self value and it made me genuinely happy. Something I forgot how to appreciate. But as my own selfish choices have had it, the only way I have come to realize this is in your absence from my life.
I know something happened last week that was the final straw for you. It stopped any chance we had of speaking or continuing to be friends or even the possibility of one day being together again. As much as I may try to guess what this thing was there are so many bad decisions I made I’m clueless as to what it was.
When you told me that you wished we could hang out it sparked a light in me, because I realized that, being with you was something I wanted above all other things. But now I’m too late. I know that now.
I’ve learned recently that my uncle in Texas does not have much longer to live and I’ve been in contact a lot with my family down there. When they ask me how I am they can hear the hesitation in my voice and ask what’s gotten me so down. Although their sympathy for my small problems is comforting I still can’t help but see the overall picture in front of me.
Life is a journey. You constantly find your way on through mistakes and consequences, but ultimately it’s your choice whether this is a journey you want to make alone or in the company of someone important. And I made my choice to be alone last week when I let you walk out of my life. Being alone is something I must learn to live with and it’s something I hope to learn to grow with.
It is not a mystery to me that I miss you. In more ways than I knew how. But the mistakes I’ve made and the decisions I put forward have left this to be my punishment for selfishness. There are many things I would do again, for just a chance to hear your voice and know that you’re okay.
The truth is I realize you have no desire to speak to me or for that matter no desire to see me again. The way I treated these last few weeks it’s clear to me why. I wish I could take it back but I know the choices I made are real and I have to let the gravity of this situation set in. We are not together and that is really for the best.
I hope work at your new job is going well and you are making friends. I hope things are alright and home and Luna is healthy and happy. I want to apologize to your mom and Ben for everything. And I want to thank them for welcoming me into their family the past year. I’m truly sorry.
But mostly I want to thank you. Megan, without you there is so much I would have never been able to accomplish on my own. You’ve taught me so much through your kind nature and big heart. You’ve shown mean what it means to be truly appreciated and loved. You brought faith into my life at a time when I needed it most.
But more than anything else you showed me what it meant to have a real friend. Something I never really had before. Someone I could be vulnerable with and be silly with and to share things in my life that I never had before. You were my best friend, my partner in crime, my soul mate. And not having you in my life has left me wondering if I’m in the wake of the biggest mistake of my life.
I’ll never thank you enough and I’ll never truly be sorry enough to express how grateful and regretful I am. Your love meant everything to me and I was wrong to throw it away for my own selfish reasons. Reasons I realize now truly mean nothing.
With you, I started to see my life unfold in front of me. My life with you I mean. I could see years down the road and how things will continue to be for us. And it scared me, scared me enough to jump into ending things, in the worst way possible.
I realized recently that there is nothing to be afraid on in life when you have a partner you can trust and believe in, and who trusts and believes in you in turn. I’ve though for a long time what we had found that in each other. Maybe we have and maybe we will again someday but for the present, all I can wish is that you find that person in your life. That you find someone who truly brings joy to your life and makes you know that all things are before you. You have the talent and ambition to do anything you want in your life. You are a wonderful human being and beautifully kind person who deserves to be happy and to be loved unconditionally.
I truly hope you find someone who will love you as I loved you. Who will hold you even when there is nothing left to say. And who will never let you walk out the door without fighting to keep you in their life. Who will take you as you are and desire nothing more.
I know the mistakes I made. I know I can’t take them back. I just want you to know you were a joy in my life and you made me the happiest man in the world. There is no better way to say it than I love you. From before I ever even met you I loved you. When you were just a girl, who I knew was in a place similar to me. I’m still that nervous kid who decided to send a facebook message. I’ve never regretted it since.
“Hi Megan, We haven’t officially met yet but I wanted to say hi none the less. I’m Keaton.”
I’ve made plans to move this June. I hope that will bring you some peace of mind. Just know that if you ever needed me. I’m always a phone call away.
With all the love that I posses, all of my heart and soul.