A month since you haven’t been mine

A month since you haven’t been mine

A month since you haven’t been mine

A month ago, November 5th, I wrote in my notebook that I missed you more than ever, that was the day after we were officially over. And now here I am again, December 5th, saying the same thing.. it’s been a day since I told you I was done contacting you for good. A month ago when I said that, I meant it, but now I understand that missing you is going to be something that’s going to take a lot of time getting over.

I know that my goodbyes are never goodbyes, and that’s one fault of mine. I can never say goodbye to you, but more because I don’t want to. I don’t ever want to forget that feeling I had when we first FaceTime’d, that timid head turn I would always do, with butterflies always being in my stomach, the kisses you would blow me that I swear I could feel, I don’t want to forget that smile you would give me. It breaks me to think I was the girl that got to once experience your love, and that I can never get it back. I know that everything I said in that text probably is the best way of going about us, but I still can’t wrap my head around never talking to you again.  I left so much out of that text, I left out the truth, and I left out how much I was going to miss you. I left out how me “moving on” by blocking you out from everything, doesn’t mean that I still don’t care about you, in fact I’ve never cared about someone so much before. I forgot to say that I hope you the best in life, and that I will never blame you for any of this. I told you not to respond, and really it probably was the best thing that you didn’t, but dang I wish I could know what you would say to me knowing that was our last goodbye. I write this, hoping that maybe in a few weeks I’ll look back at it and say that I’ve moved on and none of this is true and I won’t feel a need to send this. Another part of me wants to send this to you so you understand that there was more to it than the last text I sent.

             I  know it’s only been a day, but really, it’s been an entire month of not being able to call you mine. We were only five months in, but I swear that we could have lasted longer than that. The past month I’ve been reminded of you by absolutely everything. Boys around my table almost ask me every day about you, asking why I’m so hurt over someone I’ve never met. I don’t have the words to explain why I am, all I have is the feeling of my throat tense up, my heart skipping a beat, and water gathering up in my eyes. I get reminded of you when I listen to any song, because I always find a piece of the song that relates to us, whether good or bad. Hell, I even get reminded of you when I drink something. Because I do that weird little thing with my mouth that you always do when you swallow. I can’t even finish a water bottle because it reminds me of all those empty water bottles lying on your floor. And the worst thing is, is that I make a metaphor for almost everything. I drink some water, full to the rim, and I start imagining that it’s your love. It was full from the start, but the more I drink, the more I start to run out of water, and soon all of that love is gone. I’m thirsty for your love, I feel like I’m not going to survive without “water.” and I start wishing that I would have savored that love a little longer..

             There is so much that I never told you, and I’m dropping the pride that I’ve been trying to hold to tell you how I’m truly feeling.  The truth is, I was trying to hold my pride when I told you that I was completely done.  I didn’t want to be another vulnerable girl that keeps chasing a boy that’s already gone.  All the love is still there for you, and I don’t know what to do with it now. There was times when I was selfish, and I didn’t even see what was right in front of me, so it’s ridiculous for me to get mad at you for things like that, and I’m sorry. But I realize that what was right in front of me is someone that I can never replace. I can’t say that I want you back, because we’ve kept on trying over and over and all it ends with is goodbyes. But I don’t want to lose you, I don’t want to lose us. This wouldn’t be my life without you, you’ve done so much good with it for me to never talk to you again. I will never regret that you were mine. All I know is that this thing, you and me, will never be lost. Because you loved me and I love you and what we had was more than real even if we never got the chance to meet.  I know I probably won’t get a response from you, but if I could have anything it would be just for you to say something, so I know you’re okay, so I know that things will be okay even if we never do work out.  I love you endlessly Mitch, and you will forever be someone I love.

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