I know I’m probably the last person you were hoping this letter was from. I know it’s not fair for me to be writing you, we both have people we are committed to now, good people who deserve the best from us. But I need to do this. And I hope you’re still reading this, I swear it’s not a hate filled letter about how awful you are and how much better I am without you. It’s not. Here goes nothing…
I’m sorry. Such an open ended sentence that I’ve said a million times before to you, mostly to make myself feel better about the things I did or said to you. But not now. For over a month now I’ve been so angry. So mad, I couldn’t even think straight. Haven’t had many rational thoughts when it involves you, easier to just say “he’s such a dick, I deserve better.” Mostly just masking the emotions I really should have worked on healing instead of pushing aside. But you aren’t a dick, you’re a boy who trusted me with your heart, someone who deserved all the goodness that a person can offer someone else, and I didn’t really understand how special that was for you to give me everything. I wish I appreciated you more, and I wish I never let you go to bed mad, and I wish I was less selfish. But that’s all in the past, can’t be changed.
I’m not writing this letter so you can forgive me. I am writing it so someday, hopefully, you will look past all the hatred you have for me now and remember that I wasn’t always such an awful person and we weren’t always unhappy. I don’t want you to forget all the good and only remember the bad, I want you to remember me in a good way. Because even though our fallout was a disaster, what we had was beautiful and the most meaningful thing to ever touch my life. The brightest stars burn out the hardest..
Every mean thing I said and did at the end, I didn’t mean anything. I don’t have a single hateful feeling in my body for you, but pain and anger bring out the worst in anyone. I don’t hate you. You were never a bad boyfriend. I never thought anyone was better than you. You always had my heart, even when I would wander to new people and look for false comfort in their empty words. At the end of the day YOU were the one I thought of before bed. You were the one who came to mind when something bad happened and I needed to tell someone, and always the first on my list of people I needed to tell when something great happened. You were the one I wanted to spend my life with. I appreciate everything you did for me. And even though I didn’t mean any of it, and everything I said and did was out of frustration and anger .. I know it doesn’t make it okay. I can never heal the bad I did to you. I can never take back the words I spit at you, the damage they did to you. And I’m not justifying anything I did in any way.. but I need you to know I never meant to let things get the way they did. And if I knew just how bad I would turn out to be for you, I would have walked away the day we met.
Because despite what I or anyone else says, you’re a great person. A good hearted, truly deserving of good things, faithful, amazing boy. And from the bottom of my heart, I hope you’re happy. And I hope you smile more than you frown. And I hope you don’t cry anymore. And I hope the anger is gone. And I hope you love whoever comes into your life with the passion and fire I know you have in your body, and I hope you apologize to one another and I hope you never go to bed mad. I hope you laugh for hours every day. I hope school is going good and I hope you made new friends and I hope they leave good memories and tell you nice things. I hope you are yourself again. Because you are a great person to have in a person’s life, no matter how brief or how meaningful the encounter with you may be.
I hope our paths cross in the far off future and I hope we can look eachothers way and share one last smile, then continue on with our happy lives. I hope oreo is okay and happy and healthy, diamond and puppy too, of course. I hope your mom succeeds in her business and I hope she’s happy. I hope work is going good for you, and they always understand how much of a hard worker you are and how lucky they are to have you. I hope your life is good like you deserve.
I hope you’re still reading this …
I never cheated on you, patrick. I know I wasn’t always the smartest with my choices, and I talked to other guys, guys I don’t even care to waste my time on. But for some reason, I did. And I wish I could take it back, but once again .. I cant. And I’m not sure what my word stands for, but I can promise from the very bottom of my soul that I never cheated on you. My lips didn’t touch anyone else the entire time I was with you. My hands never wandered from you, not once. My heart never left your possession. My mind was in the wrong place more than once, but my heart never strayed from you. I hope you believe that. I have no reason to lie about it, now.
I don’t hate you, and I never will. I am content now, and I don’t look back and think of the bad. I look back and I’m happy to remember the good, because when I was with you I was the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. I will always miss those times, some songs will always remind me of you, and some places I go will always bring you to mind. I could never hate somebody who gave me that, ever. I can never hate someone who gave me so many memories that I’ll never forget, so many firsts. I could never hate somebody who was the best friend I’ve ever had. I will never forget you. Stay happy. For you.
~An old friend..