What I want you to know

What I want you to know

What I want you to know

C,

Last night I drove to the grocery and bought a box of Annie’s, came home and made myself dinner, and thought of you. It’s something I’ve been doing a lot since Thursday— I wish I could stop but I can’t. I read through our text messages starting at the very beginning, from Keaton Henson, to the Halloween Party (still can’t believe you took care of me all night). As I read through them, all of the things I felt in the beginning came flooding back and I knew that I couldn’t let this go without trying. You told me that time isn’t always relevant, and although it was barely a month, what you and I shared was magic. I know things are over now, and it pains me to think that something so special has faded. But despite the past few weeks and all that has happened, my feelings remain. This is a letter containing all of the things I want you to know and should have had the guts to express to you earlier.

I want you to know that I understand how much I crowded you. I see the things that you’re dealing with and recognize that they’re tough for you to handle. Honestly, it’s really hard for me to know that you’re hurting and that there’ s nothing I can do. When you’re having a bad day I want to hold your hand or take a drive to nowhere, or simply sit with you. It’s difficult for me to accept that my efforts do little to fix what is wrong. But you deal with your problems differently, and that’s valid and something I’m working to understand with other people in my life as well. Also, I want you to know that I’m sorry for being selfish. I know I have stuff going on too, but it wasn’t okay for me to expect you to drop everything. It’s okay that you couldn’t be there all the time. My feelings and my problems are my own responsibility and I shouldn’t have thrown them on you, especially when we talked Thursday. Bottom line is, I was needy and smothering and it’s something that I’m working on.

I want you to know (and I can’t believe I didn’t apologize Thursday), I’m sorry for not trusting you. Creeping on tinder to ‘confirm’ false accusations is the worst thing I could’ve done. Your words and actions were more than enough proof of your care for me and I was stupid to let my anxiety get the best of me. I want you to know that I never looked at anyone else. There is no one else I want to furniture shop with. There is no one else I want to plan with, no one else I want to struggle to eat in front of. You were and always will be enough. I regret not letting you know this more often.

I realize that this letter may come across as counteractive to it’s purpose, but life is too short to keep from being honest. The truth is, never would I have thought that a month ago, I would meet someone who makes me feel so complete and shines so much light onto my grey little corner of the world. I am happy when I am myself, and I am myself when I am with you. I understand that this may not fix things and that’s okay, but I want you to know I wish you well. You are important, you matter, and everything that seems to be going wrong now will unfold into something beautiful.  You will always be my favorite.

-K

1 Comment

  1. Leanne 2 years ago

    That was so beautiful and I can relate to many things you said. The last sentence has me in tears. I’m so sorry for your loss.

    Lea xx

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