I don’t even know

I don’t even know

I don’t even know

You know it hurts it really does.

At times im so confused.Even though it honestly felt like a joke. The whole waiting to be together…

You will probably never read this and honestly I hope you dont, but I do need this off my chest.

So many years of lies and set up I wish you wouldve left me sooner all the stuff I said to you. You never deserved it your so precious. You deserve the world and much more. I had you living in a hell and I feel so bad for all ive done and I know I deserve this pain but its too much I want it to go away. You were my pride my joy my all you left me in the middle of a storm yeah im only a certain age but it didnt matter before. You seem like a completly different person like I never knew you. I feel stupid and mad because of all your doing now cause im mad but im also sorry and heheartbroken its so much at once. I know I never told you how much you really meant to me how much I really need you. How much I loved staring into your eyes seeing you laugh watching that one vien pop out your forhead, sneaking around holding me tight making me mad then laughing about it. Your smell your kisses all the great and bad memories im all thankfuk for. You held me together I looked to you to keep me strong knowing I wasnt strong I took everything out on you. You even gave me a second chance that I fucked up. I know it seemed like I was all these terrible things im working on that All to better myself.

I hate myself so so so much …

I think about it everyday. I never meant shit to you I think about all that you know and how much I opened up, how much you did how we were so fucking goofy.Wondering who that man was… wondering what I was doing why I was so blind … I see now and its beyond late I know that… Im not in denial and I dont want you back I have no clue why you cant see that. I just want the pain to stop. You fell asleep and woke up the next day like nothing I want to do that I cant… you are my first love my first everything… I gave myself to you. I really believed we would get married but I regret giving myself to you now I know why the bible says wait cause it was to protect us. Im sure you dont care cause you dont know what it means to women. I faught my family for you defened you and lost friendships for you. I kept you locked up like an animal I know. I regret it. Im not innocent. I was affraid to let you go for my own insecurities. Nothing I ever did was because of you it was always me. I was scared still I didnt know how to love. Now that your gone I see how much you truely mean to me how much I did do wrong and now I know to never do it to anybody. I dont know why I treated you like shit knowing with out you id die…..I dont know what I was thinking.

after you left me I couldnt believe it I didnt think you would actually do it… I think why it took so long to hit me was cause I was replaying everything you told me in my head I had faith and hope but I only kept pushing you farther and farther away.

for hurting me so much I wanted to see you hurt like I did I wanted you to feel this pain… but now that you are im reggreting thinking that. Its kind of funny you know cause everything absolutly everything I did in the process of us ending your doing it to her all the calls to hear her voice all the texts and tha stalking all the suicidal thoughts not sleeping or eating and feeling like you cant breath like your incomplete like your mentally and physically drained all the praying and tears and long dripping boogers yeah I been through it all …. thats how I wanted you to feel now I wish I could go through it for you instead hearing you cry broke me more I even trird helping you with the girl who has everything I ever wanted because all that mattered to me was you. I dont know if you know how hard that is …. let me try to explain . What if it was you feeling the way you are now and for her to be hapoy your trying to help her get back with her BD … not such a great feeling huh but no I could give two shits about myself and then what happens? YOU TALK SHIT. I shouldve known better honestly I shouldve I ignored everything everybody told me for the second time and fell for it again .

fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me huh. Anyways. My point is im greatful for what we had I learned and ill always love you and I forgive you and im sorry for all iv done and hope someday youll forgive me. im still broken but I think this is my good bye . My letting go . Yes ill always love and care no im not in denail yes ive moved on but ill never forget and even though you dont see it now all youve done I still love and care and forgive and it hurts to still see you so evil. Eventually ill heal and eventually youll heal from her …. and please when those thoughts come to mind dont hurt yourself your better then that. Regardless im always here and I no longer hate you or am mad at you or love you as a lover but as a friend. YoUvE hurt me but youve done great things for me as well. I know its confusing as hell….. thats how love is…but it was real atleast from my part. I miss you. That old you….. the silly you. I hope one day we can be actual friends agaiN…idk man … I feel like I will regret this.

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