It’s been 1year and 3 months since you disappeared from my life to start with a new girl. People break up all the time and yet for me that possibility didn’t exist within the logic of our relationship. It was so hard. I couldn’t get out of bed and I was plagued with suicidal thoughts. Although most days were unbearable, I somehow progressed. I learned how slow healing can be. The cyclical nature: three steps forward, two steps back became unbearable. Of course my friends and family grew tired of my depression and had nothing else to say. I hated myself for being unable to just get over it. Occasionally I would peek at your social media sites and see a new picture with your girlfriend. The woman worth leaving me. With time I realized how you were tired of me so many months before but didn’t have the courage to break it off. I excused the obvious signs saying you were stressed, desperately clinging to something that was dead. Half the battle has been trying to forgive myself for my blind and humiliating behavior.
Later on I found strength in diminishing your worth. I realized how I ignored so many blazing red flags right from the beginning. Your lack of courage to dump me should have been obvious when I learned you couldn’t handle going to the funerals for your friends. When we ran into the woman you used to be involved with before me and called her disgusting while claiming that I would get an ego boost after meeting you was enough to demonstrate the utter disrespect you have for women that are no longer useful for you. I could go on but that’s not the point of this letter. While realizing that blind trust in a stranger was a mistake on my part, it was no good to uplift myself by stomping on your memory. I found myself emphasizing your unemployed status, associating it with laziness. Same thing goes with the six years it took you to graduate with mediocre grades and a mountain of debt. I even compared your linkedin with my current boyfriends and gloated. That was wrong. A persons worth isn’t monetary and although you hurt me deeply, I know you’re not a bad person. Your friends and family love you for a reason. I know your heart is kind and you’re willing to help others. I know I haven’t been a saint. Sometimes I think about how deeply your words wounded me and I wonder how much hatred you must’ve developed towards me. Why? To what I represented in your life perhaps? I know you didn’t act with evil intentions. Things happened and you reacted in ways that destroyed me for a time.
I used to say that our relationship sucked. That the best things we did was watch tv, get high and go to the supermarket at 3am. While I no longer smoke, cuddling with my new boyfriend in front of the tv made me remember how great the small things can be. We’ve been together for 3 months now. I love him, I really do. However, this new love has made me realize that you can love someone new while still nursing a wounded heart. Just like I love my mother beyond belief but still deeply regret not saying my last goodbyes to my grandmother when I had the chance, I love my boyfriend and still hurt for you.
Only time will tell if he’s the one. Knowing that is part of growing up and surviving heartbreak. However, I can say for certain that this time I didn’t jump in blindly. I met many suitors and could sniff the red flags from a mile away. I took my time. I like to say that I kept an open heart and open eyes, as difficult as that was. He’s also been single for a while, survived hurt and done his emotional homework. He’s perfect for me and things have just fallen into place. I believe that relationships are a reflection of where we are in life. I have faith in my current love because we’re both where we need to be.
Realizing that our relationship began because I was in a sad and confusing place has served me well. It was so easy to make a complete stranger the center of my world. I’m sure it was the same for you. We were each others escape. Yet not too long ago, this realization led me to dismiss our entire relationship. That is what was holding me back from that final step. Just the other day I cried about you long and hard. Telling myself how worthless you were no longer worked. I knew it was a lie. Somehow I broke down and couldn’t stop saying: “I loved someone and I lost them.” Over and over I kept repeating it to myself. Afterwards I felt odd. I think I finally reached that stage people call acceptance.
Dear Coffee, I loved you and I lost you. I’m still not sure if you ever loved me but I know some questions can never be answered. What I do know is that I loved you and I lost you. That is the truth and it may well happen again. Sometimes I struggle with the haunting fear that I’ll stop hearing from my boyfriend just to see his new relationship online. I’m learning to manage that and can already feel my progress. I’ve managed to love again and for that I’m grateful.
It’s unsettling to know I’ll never hear from you again but then again, I love a fresh start. So many of your broken promises, I’ve accomplished for myself. I don’t think I can ever feel gratitude for the pain you’ve caused me, but I realize it was inevitable. That dark place I was in back then, if not you, someone else would have hurt me. It had to happen for me to reach this much healthier, balanced and realistic state of mind. Everyday I try to appreciate the good things in my life, especially the things I have as a result of my strength and perseverance. When I feel low, I know it’ll pass and I’m much more kind to myself. I’m no longer my worst enemy. I can truly say that I’m happy. I hope you’re in a similar place.
Yours for the last time,