A Lesson in Comedy and Dating History

A Lesson in Comedy and Dating History

A Lesson in Comedy and Dating History

(in no particular order…)

Chelsea,

      Congratulations, and deepest condolences.  Congratulations because, to this date, you’re the only girl I’ve dated who managed to break up face-to-face (LDRs n/a) without some kind of bullshit attached to it.  We won’t detract points for still being in school at the time.  Condolences because your spot on the ‘unforgettable’ throne has been usurped.  Yeah, I know, right?  Who the hell dethrones a ‘first’?

Nicole,

      Even to this day I will choose my words wisely with you, and maintain a preferable distance.  Aside from ‘stay the fuck away from me’, I hope you’re well, and happy, as so are your children, whom I hope are all well taken care of.  Not to be mean, but I really hope you got some kind of therapy.  Really, you might need it.  Unless you can rationalize and convince me on how everything I went through because of you was the result of a sound mind.

Cindy,

      Hey!  We’re still civil and on speaking terms, which is weird, considering circumstances and such.  At least from my perspective, anyway.  But weird is good, because you’ve been a pretty damn good friend over the…fucking…decade?  Wow…we’re old.

Jennifer,

      You were the first “bird” I “caught”, and I’m glad I did.  I’d have lost three times as much sleep if it was necessary.  You were always completely honest, and, even though it stung like hell at the time, over time, it turned out to be one of the more respectable ways to part.  Good luck with the baby.  The thought of you being a mother is damn near terrifying, in a good way. 😉

Heather,

      What the fuck were you?  Seriously?  I’ve never seen a person act the way you did without being on some kind of mind altering chemicals, and lots of them.  I hope you’re doing better.  If that sweetness in you is legit, and sustainable, then you could be very good for someone.  If you have meds, stay on them for once, okay?

Kayla,

      I would give you the nickname ‘Flip’, except you don’t 180; you make seemingly random 90 degree turns.  So far, those random turns have lead you to a pretty awesome place, and I’m proud of you!  Going from getting expelled for kicking ass, to being congratulated and promoted for it!  I’d have never guessed you’d end up in the military, but if that’s where you found your shine, then shine on.

Kristin,

     Wow, that was short.  Really, we dated, and then both kind of vanished from the other’s life.  I dunno.  Something about cheaters (and there was a lot of you!), and you and your people kind of being unabashed racists.  Despite that, you’re still alright, and lots of fun to hang out with.  Fuck that Wii shit, I’ll kick your ass in real bowling next time! 😛

Tiffany,

      I’m sorry.  You haunt me.  Everything there went catastrophically wrong, and I blame myself if things got worse for you.  None of it had anything to do with you, and it definitely had nothing to do with Dave and his crazy bullshit.  HE’S not your fault either, and I hope you’re okay.

Hanna,

      Yeah, I was angry.  You picked a really bad time to decide to play mind games with me.  I’m still kind of angry, but whatever; you’re fine, I guess.

Heather (2),

      I’ve met three Heathers in my life, and they’ve all been slightly bonkers.  You were extremely bonkers, which, honestly, I often found to be entertaining as hell.  And then you tried to get me to fuck you when I was well aware you had a boyfriend.  We’ll just ignore I was friends with the guy.  I shudder to contemplate what you did when I was unaware.

Vanessa,

      Hello, ‘Harley’.  Is that you spouting off angrily?  I don’t give a fuck.  You’re pure evil incarnate; a manipulative, histrionic wretch.  I REALLY hope that guy didn’t marry you, or he’s about to get took, and he’s not going to see it coming.  If you haven’t already cleaned him out of his plowing company.  Which is “precisely why you’re marrying him”.  You make my skin crawl, and you were so flagrant in your fuckery…

You fucked my head up.  I regret ever giving you that kind of power.  You could say absolutely terrible things with a smile and a tone of voice like you were talking to a toddler.  Fuck me for thinking you were ever genuine.

P.S. – Thanks for lying and getting me fired, bitch!

P.S.S. – On top of being short, you weren’t very bright. ‘Sofi Needs A Ladder’ is a deadmau5 song.  They play it during the club scene in The Hangover 2?  Yeah, don’t play with guns, remember? 😉 Glad to see you’re still sensitive about that though.  I thought it made you “cuter”? 😉

I legitimately hate you.  Go fuck yourself.

Ciarra,

      I’ve said quite a lot to you over the span of however many months here already.  You’re a life changer.  I miss you terribly.

Lisa,

      We were getting along just fine, and then…poof?  Seems to be a recurring theme with you.  And you really wonder why I stopped talking to you?  And you really want to be mad at me about that?  Yeah, fuck off, and fuck right.

Iris,

      You were, by far, the darkest woman I’d ever met in my life.  I was probably done way before I started with you, but I was already entranced by everything you were, or at least, what you appeared to be.  Seems kind of stupid, in retrospect, to call you the darkest woman I’d ever met, yet I figured you were actually being vulnerable with me.  Or maybe *that* was the problem; you didn’t like that I could get through your ‘force field’ so easily and bugged out on me.

      What’s so strange, though, is that you would talk and act about it like it was okay; it even made you *smile* (which you never did, unless it involved evil laughter).  We’d creep up to an amazing day, we’d have it, and the next day you’d vanish.  One day, you just never came back.

Whew!  So, what can I learn from all of this?  I don’t really know; though, putting some of you back-to-back would almost certainly explain a handful of any mental disorders I may have.

So why list everybody off?  Well, see, I did some digging through a lot of my old shit, found some old passwords to old e-mail addresses, looked over the friendlist frozen in time.  Old pictures from grade school.  It made me think about everybody I’ve known, met, encountered, etc., over the last decade plus.  Some of you I miss dearly, and, if I don’t already, I’d love to have you a part of my life again.  Some of you I very much dislike, to put it kindly, and you can stay far, far away.

Maybe I’m just leaving it for reference, I don’t know.  Just felt like getting some pesky, nagging thoughts out of my head.

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