I would like to talk to you again, but as wounded as I am, I don’t think I can ever express my true feelings to you in person. This way, I don’t have to hear you calling me manipulative.
Yes, I’m scared and completely shut down–hopefully not for long. The first man I ever opened up to called me manipulative. It haunts me at night. I wake up in fear with tears all over my face.
I’m not trying to manipulate you as you may think. To be clear, I’m not blaming you for feeling the way you feel, that I’m manipulative. I hope we get that out of the way so that I can fully express how I feel.
Every time I look back at the times we spent, how I let you in so close, how I did with you what I had never done with anyone before, it shakes my entire body and physically hurts my heart to think that I will forever lose the man whom I allowed to get so close. It’s scary to think of how my sweet man ended up breaking my heart. It’s frightening to think of how someone as sweet as you are could leave me with so much pain. It’s a pity to think of how little I mean to someone who means a lot to me. I can’t say it didn’t hurt to know that our relationship is not worth it for you. But that’s the way it is.
I can’t change your heart and I will never change myself. This is who I am and if who I am means manipulative to you, then I’ll have to learn to live with the grief of losing someone so significant in my heart. It’s very difficult, but I don’t have a choice. I admit I was falling hard for you, but in the end you weren’t there to catch me. So I got hurt very bad.
I’m a scared, wounded soul. I can’t open up to anyone, not even you, again. This is as close as I come to telling my side of the story.