I got sick in the head, lost my shit for months. I checked out. I have just now beginning to look back and see past the hurt and see how difficult that must have been on you.
I am sorry I changed.
I’m sorry I didn’t get help sooner. After you were gone from my life I felt like a ghost for a long time. I faked being better hoping it would finally become real. It didn’t as long as I faked that I was better.
The truth is I’m still not completely better, but that’s okay because I’m still healing. And I’ve learned so many things as a result of our relationship ending that it’s changed me, into a different person altogether.
I still can’t communicate really well verbally but I understand. now I understand, even with out knowing.
I want to say that it will be okay, and someday you will understand even though you do not know what I mean.
During all the madness you saw in me, there was my desire toward the truth and my desire for your well being. Those two have not changed even though how I perceive the world and how my ability to communicate that with you got clouded by the noise in my mind. I’ve learned how to keep going through the noise without letting it throw me out of balance, and the better I am able to keep living through depression and anxiety the more I wish I had learned these things before I met you and had treated you better, but I do not lament or worry over it. Being with you and then not being with you is what spurned the shifted paradigm of reality I’ve entered, where I have access to the truth. I am not saying my sickness gave me abilities, I am saying that because of it, and because I was aware of it I really went on a search of healing and have found it. I don’t know when I will be all better, but I don’t care about that anymore.
I will always love you. even if I don’t see you again. Or even if I see you every day. Or if I talk to you or don’t talk to you. It doesn’t matter where you are. Who you are with. What you think or don’t think about me. I will always care for your well-being.