You cheated on me seventeen days ago. It’s still unbelievable to me that it happened. I trusted you with all of my heart, probably too much of my heart. You were always so honest with me and it was nothing I would have suspected. We did have a rough relationship; it was like driving over mountains the whole three years we were together. We looked forward to New York for a couple years, and it was so close to our hands.
I’m writing this letter because I’ve been watching YouTube videos day in and day out to help me get over this break-up. Who knew that there were people out there who cared enough about stranger’s lives to help in a situation like this? But it’s helped tremendously. In one of the videos, I was told to write a “fake” letter to you, they suggested I burn it after writing to let everything go, but I decided to place it in my private blog. I think so it’s something I can look back on. Maybe one day I’ll send it to you when I’m a little stronger, I’m not sure yet. I hope to look back at this some time and smile when I’m in a happier place in my life. We may never speak again – only the future knows. So for now, I’m getting everything off my chest, and pouring it into this letter while it’s still fresh in my memory.
I’ve always wanted what was best for you. I know that’s not enough to keep a relationship. There was something between us that just didn’t click. We didn’t like the same things. You are a partier, and I am good girl. I think the only reason why I was attracted to you is because you were just another hot guy to get my old ex-boyfriend off my mind. Throughout our whole relationship, I knew it wouldn’t have lasted. You would put your friends over me constantly, and I still regretfully stuck by your side and took it. I knew I deserved better, but we’ve been through so much, that there was still hope on the other side.
I wanted you to talk to me and tell me everything that’s going on in your life. Distance kept us distant. It was so unfair to the relationship we could have had. Do I regret you? I could have said yes a week ago, but absolutely not. I think this is God’s way of challenging me to see how strong I am, and I’m holding up quite well. I’m a true believer that it’s the hard challenges I’m going to face to get to be the successful person I want to become.
I loved the way you smelled, I loved your smile, and the strong laugh that you had, I loved your family, your beautiful blue eyes, the occasional surprises, the delicious meals, tucking me in goodnight, my daily ‘Have a good day’s, I loved when you would dance with me at the club and show me off to everybody, I loved to glove with you (even if I did get a little wild when drinking once), I loved the way you would hold me closer when a man would look at me, the comfort in knowing I had such a faithful boyfriend and most of all, I loved making love to you. All that is just a happy memory now and I am okay with that. I should smile because this happened.
Being in denial is not good in a relationship, I knew it wouldn’t have lasted and I should have said something much earlier – but I wanted to wait to see how New York would have turned out to make my final decision. I thought it would have been best for both of us. Unfortunately, making comparisons isn’t healthy in a relationship either – someone once told me that. In my head, I would constantly compare you to my ex-boyfriend more often than I should have. I knew it was wrong, but I would never tell you that. It’s true when they say, ‘You never know what you got till it’s gone’. I’m a firm believer to that now. You don’t realize how good you have it, until you walk away from it. I’m sorry for comparing you all the time – that could have been part of the reason I wasn’t happy when being with you. I was just searching for what I had, or in some aspects, and thinking it could have made you better.
Relationships shouldn’t be worked on alone; it should be teamwork. Did we not make it a team effort because of distance? I feel like maturity was a big difference between us two. I had my head in the life ahead, and you were worrying about the present. I knew I had to lean towards the future and make good decisions, but I don’t feel like you were as mature because you still claim life as a party. I want a man who is on the same page as me and we were just reading two different chapters of the book.
I’m not here to bash on your imperfections. I’m simply here to help let myself go. It’s unfortunate this all had happened four days after we moved furniture up to New York. Now when I go there, I’ll cry again in memory of you. It’s such a shame. I think that’s the part that kills me the most. You said you lost a lot of love for me, and that’s completely okay – it happens! But I’m not sure why you held it in for so long and never just let me go. (Haven’t you ever heard the saying “if you love somebody, let them go”?). Now, I suffer through the heartache and pain, movies replaying in my mind knowing what you did to me, and knowing that there was another person laying on your bed before me with lies beaming right through your eyes. Talking to me and saying our relationship won’t work out and ending it would have been easier for me to deal with, than leading me on and dragging it out to hurt me in the end. Although you might not have cared for me – I’m human, and I do have feelings….. even if you don’t.
From this experience, in my future, I see a lot of trust issues, jealousy issues, or issues that I never knew I had. I hope this doesn’t take a toll on me within my next relationship and I can forgive you for everything you’ve done. I hope the right man that comes along, I won’t have to worry – and I shouldn’t have to. Sometimes life isn’t fair and we don’t understand why God does what he does, but these are the instances that grow thicker skin and make us stronger into the person he wants us to be.
Seventeen days later, I’m just okay. I’m not completely happy but I’m not as sad as I was. I was always such a cheerful person who was constantly smiling and the people who are around me often notice that change. I’m not the chipper girl that they knew. They notice something is wrong with me but I don’t want to bring it up and make people feel sorry after all this time has past because I’m already slowly healing. I don’t want to relive that memory by telling it over. I believe a good amount of time will heal this scarring wound.
I met a patient today at work who noticed I was feeling down. It’s written all over my face, apparently. He told me to cheer up and when I smiled at him, he told me I was beautiful (something I wish you told me more often). I found out later about this patient that he tried to commit suicide previously. He was married and he caught her having an affair with another man. In the grace of God, he ended up missing and shot his hand instead. Now, he’s moving on and going back to college. It’s such an inspiring story, because he’s been through so much and even from the outcome of all of that – he’s still manages to be outgoing, friendly and make people smile. His story is an automatic motivator to me. I’ll get there, too.
Two weeks from now, I think I’ll be much more healed than I am today. I’m glad I’m getting through it finally, and I am starting to see the brighter days ahead. I’m still unable to sleep through a whole night, I’m still not able to leave my house, or go to a bar, but my mentality of it all, is I’m so close to getting that drive back to being moved on from this. Having a relationship isn’t easy, especially when it ends like ours did. I said hurtful, mean things to you. I had a sad, hurt and angry heart and I’m sorry for all the words I may have hurt you with. I know I’m better than that. Emotions just got the best of me.
I have exactly nineteen days until I move to New York alone; it’ll be a scary world out there. But, this experience has taught me a lot and I think I’ll carry that with me. I’m excited to make new friends. I’m excited to see where New York takes me, I wanted this for so long and I will work as hard as possible for it. Maybe my handsome Prince will come and sweep me off my feet one day! I know I’m beautiful, I know I’m fun, and I know I’m a great girl – for the heart that’s meant to love me. Getting through this stage is going to be a rough road, and then I’ll gain all my confidence back that I’ve lost from this. I can’t keep thinking of the negative, it’ll always draw the more negative waves towards me. I’m starting over fresh in a whole new place and I hope nothing comes out of it but success!
Again, this is a letter to the invisible you. I didn’t cry while making it – which is safe to say I’m really growing. It surely got things off my chest, as the “YouTuber” said it would. I’m happy I made this, even if it doesn’t get to you one day, I know it has helped me, which is most important. Regardless of what mean things I’ve said a few days ago, I do wish you all the best. I hope that everything you work hard for in your life comes true under the stars. Maybe one day we’ll meet again and laugh about this together, but until then it’s solo from here.
Sincerely was yours,