It’s been over 5 months, and I think I’ve cried almost every day. There are so many things I want to say but I just don’t know how.
The two years we spent together were so beautiful they were almost poetic. Who knew that it would be all over the way it is, so quickly, so unexpectedly. We always thought it would be I that walked away with little choice in the matter. Who knew you would change direction once I was finally ready to join you. I have never known you to walk away from me, to deny me, not want to fix, heal and keep our promises of forever. I have learned now that I have to do that for myself. To never take anything or anyone for granted. Even those that promise over and over and over again can walk away without much hesitation.
I spilled my soul to you when we first met and through my past experiences and pain I felt like God knew exactly what he was doing when he led me to you. You read me like a book and shared your darkest worries and secrets. Told me I was the easiest person in the world to speak to. And I stuck to that throughout, I never tired from being your shoulder to cry on, your ear to spill your worries to but sometimes people change and close up. It shredded me to pieces when you told me you “spoke to her about things I haven’t been telling you”. But that was your loss, to pretend you couldn’t come to me about anything was you lying to yourself. And I hope you realise that.
You were meant to go skiing without me, and come back feeling the way you did. You were meant to realise you can’t do this when I moved 100 miles from home to be near you. It was all meant to be. But who knows what else is to come. I am just older and wise enough to recognise what I had in front of me. I valued you beyond anything. But it’s ok, I don’t blame you for your vision becoming clouded and not seeing what I could anymore. Even the finest jewelry can become tarnished.
I know I have loved you a thousand times, in a thousand lives. And maybe we’ve been pulled apart every single time. And better still, we never did say goodbye so I guess this isn’t the end, I’ll just prepare for our next hello.
But for now, I hope you’re on the mend, I hope you are fixing all the little things you said needed space. I hope one day (not necessarily for me) you become the man you thought you would become at the point at which I needed you, and you walked away. And I hope that the next time Sade ‘By Your Side’ plays, you’ll realise what you had in me because I sob when I do and realise what I would do for you.
But for now, I am missing you.