Although we haven’t talked in two months I feel like with social media updates it feels like we never stopped. I just can’t live my life the way I have been the past couple months and especially the past two weeks. I have sores in my mouth, a chest that constantly feels like its being suffocated, headaches that make me want to wear glasses inside and all I can get down is a smoothie a day.
This is how I’ve dealt with our break up.
I spent the first month running, running as fast as I can at full speed and whenever I knew I was going to get 10minutes to myself I hid. I hid behind my new job, my new apartment, and men. I focused soulfully on finding my dream job and I got it, I moved and was all caught up in decorating and cleaning and then came the boys. We won’t get into that one.
With a trip to Miami planned me and my bestfriend hopped in the car and carelessly wondered around the city and made memories. Then we got back.
I was already trained at work & working by myself, apartment was as decorated as it could be & after crying while in another mans arms wishing it was you. I realized that didn’t help. It was just me, and my own thoughts now. No distractions and I felt like shit.
Before I had no inkling to look at what you were doing and now I found myself looking at your Instagram and facebook constantly, exactly what you wanted me to do right?
Well I admit, I’ve seen it all and when I had had enough I would tell myself I would stop and then the next day would come and I couldn’t help but break all my walls and look at all the things you were embarking on without me. It drove me insane but I would do it to myself over and over again. Until I told myself one night I would stop and I did, then my friend wanted to see a picture and I didn’t have one, I had deleted all I had. So I signed onto facebook and there was a video…As much as I knew I should just sign out.. I went ahead and watched it and I had been thrown off the edge with this one.
You know, I should find it humorous the things this man has done to spite me but in return he should find it comforting…I guess? That everything he intended for my eyes to see were seen. I deleted him and everyone I could so they couldn’t see the life i was trying to live without him. I can’t help that his family and friends still follow me on instagram I can only try and live my life. When someone puts there before private account on public you can’t help but know that’s because they want you to see there every move. When someone posts pictures with lyrics from your favorite singer or dumb photos of work outs they never did until they met you…it’s for you. When someone posts a video “doing good” in the world when the exact thing they are doing is something you were called an idiot for doing…it’s for you. I can only hope that the last thing was because the man had a change of heart but it’s hard to believe someone who wants to do good is actually doing it because it’s the right thing to do, not for likes and shares on facebook. Because to be completely honest to everyone commenting on how amazing it was, and how pure his heart is…i’m not fooled. Now I’m aware all of us ladies are just “crazy” and none of this has to do with me but it has everything to do with me whether its conscious or subconscious. When before I had to beg you to post a photo of us on instagram because you thought posting about your new shoes was more important. Its hard to believe now that you post every life event possible and that it isn’t for some reason hopefully getting back to me. Honey, it did. Congratulations. I’m not sure what that was suppose to do for you because all I see is a man faker than the 10 dollar nose ring that you decided you wanted to pierced. I hate to be rude but I’ve been very compassionate through this break up. Giving you the benefit of the doubt and at least trying to hide my new life from you, so it’s hard to not get fed up. I’m not going to lie, I don’t have the strength to not want to see what you are doing. I was with you for a year and a half and you meant something to me. So yes, I deleted my facebook temporarily and as for instagram at least you haven’t felt the need to put that on public. It’s just sad the things people do to get under the other person skin..but I thought we were older than that and I thought our relationship meant more than that. God forbid I ever brought this up to you though I already know the back lash of, “that’s not for you..im a changed person…blah blah” bullshit. You can hide behind your posts but you cant hide behind a person who knows who you truly are.
all I have to ask is why? why all the sudden are you becoming the person I begged you to be for a year in a half, or for lack of a better world why are you TRYING to be the person I begged you to be.
I’m not writing this to bash you, I really do want to believe all of this is because you are happy with your life & you just want to broadcast it. I hope you are a changed person but i can’t keep “stalking you” and seeing how every week your insta picture and bio has changed with yet another “dig quote” and to be honest my yoga teacher that has only seen you twice even noticed you were acting different when your once every 2 month post became twice a day, but enough about you.
I’ve never felt this, this jealousy and anger and sadness. I’ve never been surrounded by so many people that love me and still I feel completely miserable and lost and i’m not going to lie I fell in love with the misery. It is so much easier to lay in bed and look at the ceiling for hours then go out and try and have fun but I can’t live like that. I have to move on. Not that I can’t grieve the person that holds my being but I can’t let it go on longer than it already has.
So I just need to say goodbye to the blog posts, the facebook, the instagram, the old cards you wrote me, the letter i keep in my wallet from 2 years ago. I have to say goodbye, i’ve been very lenient and i’ve tried to stay humble and this is about as humble as I can keep being for a person that is constantly being sought after to hurt. I wished, I had a prayer and now I don’t have any. So please move on with your life and stop trying to be this foolish man that thinks he doing so much better and give yourself time to find out what you want. Because this all will hit you & I hope your world doesn’t come crashing down like mine has because i’ve already moved on and to be honest I know i’m emotional but at this point in time i’ve been stabbed in the back enough. You hurt me when you were with me and you continue to even when you aren’t and that shows your character. Hey, if this all truly has nothing to do with me then, i’ll take the crazy ex girlfriend label but…
Seriously look at the person that loved you and ask yourself if what your doing is the right thing. I’m just exhausted. I don’t and never will comprehend how something can be so un surprising yet never fails to disappoint every single time.