Wish I told you sooner… I’m so sorry

Wish I told you sooner… I’m so sorry

Wish I told you sooner… I’m so sorry

LTME postDear Jenn,

I don’t know if you’ll get this but if you do please read it. I only want a chance to apologize to you, nothing more.

The past isn’t sitting well with me and I really need to try and fix it if that’s possible. I get the fact that its been four years and you’ve moved on. I was torn as to whether or not to write this email to you as I know the past, in certain circumstances, should remain there. I’m pretty sure for you, I’m included in the ‘certain circumstances’. I’ve no right to ask you for anything Jenn, I understand that, I don’t presume to know you after all this time either but I’m sure the Jenn of old would have boxed the memories of me up, dumped them and moved on, that’s why I’ve a feeling this email is a bit of a long shot. Nevertheless I felt compelled to write it.

It happened the other day, I was at work, the radio was on in the background playing the usual nonsense. A song came on which I recognized instantly, I hadn’t heard it for a long time but bang you were there, right there in my mind, as clear as day. It was the Human League, It hit me hard, really hard. It all came back… I was horrible, there’s no denying that. The way I treated you was a complete joke. I was selfish and hurtful, traits that I look back on and feel so ashamed of. It reduced me tears and I realized that something needed to be addressed even after all this time. I realized that the uneasy feeling I’ve had all these years is because of the way I treated you. I want to let you know how sorry I am. I remember hearing, when I was still with our old work, that you had gotten sick in Italy, I remember at the time trying to convince myself that I didn’t care, then crying and feeling so powerless and helpless to do anything, torn between you and my kids, it ruined me and I’ve felt guilty ever since. I remember B telling me that he was going to Italy on holiday and feeling sick that I couldn’t go with him, just to see you again and never come back. How I wished things could have been different and that I had been so much stronger. As strong as you wanted me to be but I just couldn’t step up.

I’m sorry that I strung things out for so long all those years ago, I was scared… Hurting you directly was the last thing I wanted to do. So, and to my shame, I just fed you a little bit hurt each day. I really wasn’t aware how horrible that was, I was weak and scared and not strong enough to deal things before it was too late, the truth be told I didn’t want it to end and that was selfish of me, I didn’t know what to do for the best, on one hand I had the guilt of how I was treating everyone in my life, especially my kids and on the other I had little Jenn this utterly amazing girl who came out of nowhere and blew my mind, who made me stronger, gave me confidence and never judged me…My best friend. In the end hurting you was the easy option and I took it. The one thing that can definitely be said is that when you cut ties, it leaves no strand behind, but slices right through until you no longer remember how to find each other. That’s what happened to me, I lost you and I lost myself too, It’s amazing to think that once we were practically inseparable, the best of friends. I hated the fact that I could do that to anyone least of all someone whom I loved. I loved the times we shared and the laughs we had. I truly regret hurting you. For me I think, there will always be a piece of my heart with your name on it, there will always be a piece of me still in love with you.

I’m sorry for contributing to the despair of an already sad girl at that time. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy and in the end I made things worse. I failed to realize, and only in hindsight do I see, that by restricting you in this way, even though the times we shared were amazing, I was draining you of that amazing spirit that you have, I was selfish… I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for treating you the way I did. We all make choices in our lives that we come to regret and hurting you and my family is my cross to bear and mine alone. Sometimes I find myself wondering, wishing to be able to speak to you again, asking myself would it be so bad if we met for tea from time to time? Or if we gave each other a ring to see how the other was doing? But I know this would be impossible for so many reasons.

Finally, I’m sorry that despite everything that’s happened, I will always miss strawberry cheesecake ice cream, Chai tea, cinnamon swirls, cheese and grapes, McDonald’s drive thru, playing the guitar and T T’s with you…You have been a part of my life Jenn and there is nothing I can do to ever change that or forget it, I wouldn’t want too, forgetting you and the times we shared would be like forgetting myself — impossible. You always said it would end in tears and it did, for that and everything, I’m sorry.
I know I will never hear from you again, I just wanted to wish you a truly fantastic life in absolutely everything you do. I Hope you’ve found or find your soulmate, best friend and lover, might even be the soldier guy you told me about all those years ago, you might even be married and have children, I know you would make a truly wonderful mummy. Whatever the life you have, I just want you to know that you deserve so much because you really are a truly unique and special girl, my biggest regret is that I never told you any of this sooner…
I will remember you always,

D cz

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