This past week has been absolute torture. Every day I feel the space that you once inhabited, and every day I feel that urge to just pick up the phone and call you. I’ve tried so hard to be respectful of your decision and to give you the space that you need, but I just can’t stop thinking about you. I can’t stop hoping that I’ll run into you on campus, or that you’ll call me and tell me that you’ve made a big mistake; however, I know that won’t happen, and then I just find myself in tears again.
It just came so suddenly. I had suspicions that something was weighing heavily on your mind, but I never imagined that it would come to this. I really thought that we could have made it through any situation. So much so that I would have married you if you had asked.
Which is what makes this situation even harder to deal with. You were my best friend, and I would have done anything for you. While I can understand why you ended things, I still can’t understand why you didn’t come to me sooner, or why you didn’t give me a choice. You just assumed that this particular problem was a deal breaker; however, I’m a patient woman. I would have found ways around this. I would have found ways to build your spirit again. I would have helped you on your journey to self-acceptance. I would have done anything and everything for you, because that is how much I love you.
And even now, as I’m typing this, I still would.
More than anything though, I think the thing that hurts the most is not having my best friend anymore. You were the one person that I could trust with anything. You never made me feel afraid to be myself, and for three years you were the one person I could a little weirdo with.
It breaks my heart every night to not hear from you. It breaks my heart to not know how your day is going, and it breaks my heart to not tell you about how my day went or how school went.
It just feels so wrong not having that contact…In fact, everything about this whole situation just feels wrong. There are so many things that I just don’t understand.
But what I do understand is that I miss you, and that, more than anything right now, I just want my best friend back.