Expressing my suppressed thoughts.

Expressing my suppressed thoughts.

Expressing my suppressed thoughts.

LTME postRen-
It’s been almost exactly 7 years since we shared our last kiss. We were not together for very long, but our memories will live in my mind forever.

I had absolutely no idea that kiss, a quick goodbye after my doctor’s appointment, would be our last. The last time I ever really spoke to you in person even. That kiss will forever be burned into my brain. I wish I could go back to that day, knowing what would happen next and change everything. If I could, I would, without a second thought. But I can’t.

We now live our own completely separate lives. Which are hilariously, yet eerily, very similar. We’re both now married with two children, each of those major events in our families lives happening within a year of each other, in the same order. I know you, like me, have everything you ever wanted now. But some days I can’t help but wish we were having these moments together, not with different people…

I have no idea why thoughts of you bombard my brain from time to time. But I honestly believe you were my soul mate. Don’t get me wrong, my husband is amazing, and I love him dearly. Sometimes you just don’t get to spend your life with your soul mate. That’s something I have been forced to realize.

I often wonder if you wonder about me too… Do I cross your mind as often as you cross mine? I’m not sure. Thoughts of you eat at my mind and I know I must be crazy to still think about someone who has not been in my life for many years. But I just can’t help it. I think a big part of this is our lack of closure… One day we were completely in love, expecting our first baby and the next, everything was gone. Our love turned into hate we lost my pregnancy and everything changed. We completely stopped communicating. That is what gets to me now. I wish we had had just one conversation in person after everything had happened. But you never wanted to see me again. That is what has destroyed me and prevented me from ever fully moving on and letting go.

Instead, I found someone else to give me the life and relationship I knew I wanted and deserved. While hiding my thoughts of you and what we were supposed to be deep inside. I can feel these thoughts and “what ifs” eating away at my soul. This is why I’m writing this, I need to let it out somewhere. We had a nice talk about the end of our relationship late last year. I believe it helped heal a lot of your old wounds, but only somewhat cleared some things up for me. I want to reach out and talk to you again. But I know It’s unnecessary to put our families through some of things they went through last time. So I have chosen to let it out here, anonymously. I will never forget what you did to me either.

As always, I wish you and your family nothing but happiness and love.

-Ray

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