Back then

Back then

Back then

LTME postBack when we met, before I had any feelings for you.. I remember being shocked when you told me you were loosing sleep over me. You liked me so much and were so devastated when I wouldn’t hang out with you late at night under the stars. It’s almost been a month but it feels like I spoke to you just yesterday. You are constantly on my mind and now it is me who is loosing sleep over you. Do you remember when we first had sex and I wouldn’t speak to you the next day because I thought you were just using me for my body, and I was tired of that and didn’t need another boy doing that? You reassured me time and time again that you really did like me a lot and you would never use me. I believed you, you were the first guy who ever said that to me before, you were the first guy who ever wanted me for anything more than my body. Yet I kept my guard so high, you were the first guy who ever asked to be exclusive with me and I hesitated so much on going you my answer. Even after I said yes I wasn’t sure if thats what I wanted. And it was so scary, opening myself up to you may have been the most terrifying thing I have ever done. Taking my heart out of my body and trusting it in the hands of another person took more courage than anything I have ever done before. When you then stopped loving me only to go back to your ex girlfriend I was crushed. In 57 seconds you handed me back my heart, only I didn’t recognize it any more, it was smaller and weaker and bruised and torn into little tiny pieces. Then I quickly shut you out of my life, thinking that the quicker I deleted you from everything, the quicker you would go away. Usually this works, but with you it hasn’t been working because you are always on my mind. Throughout the day I have little five minute periods where I don’t think about you, and I imagine that as more time passes these periods will get longer and longer and I am so excited for that to happen.

I just feel lost right now though, and not even because you’re gone because at the end of our relationship you were not the person I wanted to be with. But I miss the guy I met back at the beginning who filled me with promises of the future, who gave me confidence in myself and who taught me that I was deserving of love. I’m terrified that I won’t be able to find love again, and even more than that… I’m terrified that every guy I meet is going to have history with someone who called them “mine” because I was in the picture, and that I’m going to be left for their ex again and again. I know this is a foolish idea, but thats what just happened with you and it really is the worst feeling in the world.

And once I got a taste of love it made me realize how good I had things, but good it felt to have sex with someone who cared about me, rather than someone who just wants to kick me out. It felt so so good to have someone who was not afraid to hold my hand in public and someone who would stop whatever he was doing to kiss me just because. I loved that and I hate you for introducing me to such happiness before stripping it from me.

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired though, I want to move on and it frustrates me that I have trouble concentrating because thoughts of you just flash through my mind all day. I want to become a better and more successful person so that one day maybe you’ll hear my name in passing and say “perhaps I should not have been so quick to leave”

As for me, I’m going to stop lingering on you. My brain keeps telling me that I shouldn’t cry over someone who isn’t crying over me and I agree. You are an awful person, a coward, a selfish boy and a loser.. and I’m not crying over you. I’m crying over the idea of you, and how that delusion was shattered by the person you really are.

I don’t miss you, I miss a mirage, I miss a person who no longer exists and it takes time to grieve the loss. So I am going to finish with my grieving period and move onto bigger and brighter things.

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