Where does this letter set itself? It’s backdrop is a three year relationship, seemingly coming to a close. J, having cheated on N on numerous occasions and N accepting her back each time, finally decides to call it quits – via a phone call.
I’m sorry I couldn’t leave it at a phone call.
Ghandi once said, “Whatever you do in life, will be insignificant – but it’s very important that you do it”. Like when someone comes into your life, and one half of you says “you’re nowhere near ready…”, but the other half of you says “love her with everything you have…”.
It seems like when people go through moments like this in their lives, they’re always told the same thing in various forms. “Just learn to forget”. “Move on”. “Time is the greatest healer” seems to be the default for most people, in the unenviable position of trying to comfort someone. Writers have spent their life’s work professing the concept. Singers have sung endless songs. And yet, whilst I know all this to be true. I still find myself… Lost.
Maybe that’s because, I’m just not ready yet.
Do I regret meeting you, because of the pain you’ve made me feel, or feel now? I have regrets Jessie… But I don’t regret a single day I spent with you. I never will. Sometimes I fall into the trap of wishing that things would’ve turned out differently. But, if they had – I would’ve cheated myself out of love, and all the moments I now cherish. I suppose that’s why I can still stand here and say that, despite everything we’ve been through…
I love you.
I once read a quote that said “Our fingerprints never fade from the lives we touch”. Do you suppose that’s true for everybody? Everyone has their idea of what love is. I’m sure they sincerely believe us to be just another couple, caught up in it’s whirlwind. Whilst I accept I don’t know much in this world, I know us to be more than that. Perhaps my naivety shows when I say that, something only aptly described as fate, threw us together. However, naivety knows nothing of what it’s like to feel everything fall into place, when you meet someone who will change your life forever. You lead me from a place that could’ve tortured me for the rest of my life, and in turn – I vowed to spend every day, trying to give you the world. We’ve both stumbled and bruised along the way, but we’re young and we’re still finding our path.
I guess that’s how I know I’m not ready yet. Because, every time I turn to run from the messes that we’ve made, I find myself rooted. Knowing that, for you – I’d go through it all again.
So, maybe this is insignificant. Maybe our path has forked, and my fingerprint has already begun to fade – and honestly, that’s okay. But, your fingerprint is still as fresh to me as the day you first made it; and this potentially insignificant moment? This is one of the most important things I’ll ever do. Otherwise – if I don’t; if I hang my head and walk away – I’ll go into the rest of my life, with a regret that I’ll never be able to change. A regret of “what if?”.
Though nobody can go back and make a new beginning, anyone can start over and make a new ending. I know it won’t be easy, alas; I’m not going to beg. I won’t implore, or beseech you. I’m not going to hold you back, or try and change you. This path is yours, and yours alone. This is just me, offering you my hand along it…
Lastly, whether this is met with anger, silence, a hello or a final goodbye. I just want you to know; I always have, and always will, wish you every happiness in this world.
“Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart” – Marcus Aurelius