Its been 3 weeks since you shattered my heart so completely that I wanted to fall asleep and never wake up. It has already been 3 weeks? They say time flies when you are having fun, but this was the complete opposite of fun. Ive suffered with depression for years, been on meds for longer than I can remember, gone to every type of therapist. This hurts worse than all the pain of depression combined. It is the worst pain I have ever felt. It is almost like you have torn all of my limbs from my body and thrown them off of a cliff, and torn out my heart and crushed it.
I told you I LOVED you. That I had never felt that way about another person before. That I would do anything for you, and wanted nothing more than just to be with you, in your arms, and have it all be ok.
You told me you could never see yourself loving me. You told me you don’t see a future with me. You told me you didn’t want to be that guy who runs away from commitment anymore, you wanted to change, then you threw me away. You said we would still be best friends, and it is really important to you to remain friends. You haven’t talked to me since that day.
The thing is, I don’t regret telling you that I love you. It is true, I still absolutely and totally love you. The feeling of vulnerability with opening my heart completely is a beautiful, painful one, and I do not regret it at all. What I regret is believing in you. Believing you were different. That you would change, and stay with me, and be happy. I cannot believe I was so naive and silly to think that you would act any differently than you have before. Because you are a small person with a small world view, and such a small mind that you are not capable of change. And I regret my stupidity in ignoring that blatant fact.
But AMG, I love you. I love you SO much. And I know that I have to move on and let go. So this is my goodbye, to our romantic relationship at least. I miss everything about you. But I know it is for the best.
I miss your adorable awkwardness, your legs too long to know what to do with.
I miss your silly noises and faces you would make to cheer me up.
I miss our tickle fights that would always lead into kissing.
I miss holding hands with you wherever we would go and feeling so proud to be with you.
I miss standing on my tiptoes to kiss you.
I miss your incredible passion for music and how you are never afraid to break out into song any time, any place.
I miss you gritting your teeth and making that sexy snarling face.
I miss your amazing fluffy hair.
I miss your lips.
I miss your sense of humor.
I miss your amazing confidence that rubbed off on anyone around you.
I miss how confident and sexy and beautiful you made me feel.
I miss sitting wrapped up in your arms, listening to you read to me out loud.
I miss just sitting around with you, watching TV or doing homework, just being with you.
I miss waking up to your beautiful sleeping face.
I miss being silly in the shower with you and giving you soap tattoos and crazy hairstyles.
I miss when you would see me and your face would light up and you would immediately wrap me up in those beautiful arms and kiss me.
I miss you playing with my hair and kissing my forehead.
I miss how eager you would be to say, “this is my girlfriend.”
I miss being called beautiful.
I miss having someone to call my person. My boyfriend. My partner.
I miss being loved, or at least liked, by another person in such an intimate way.
I MISS YOU
I LOVE YOU