Why Didn’t I Tell You Before?

Why Didn’t I Tell You Before?

Why Didn’t I Tell You Before?

LTME postI met you my first day in high school, and here I am, eight years later finishing college, and I don’t have you in my life anymore. I know that we both made mistakes, but now looking back, I don’t think I ever expressed my feelings towards you the way that I should have.
That first day of my freshman year, in high school…I was the “awkward new girl”. Everyone else already had their friends, so I just stayed to myself. You were the first person to talk to me that day, and you kept talking to me every day after that…I liked it, a lot, but I never let you know that. I couldn’t let you know how much I liked it because I was afraid that you wouldn’t show me that attention anymore. So, time goes on, and ironically, we get partnered together for a project. You made me laugh more than we actually got work done, and the biggest thing…I had a fear (and I still do) of presenting in front of classes, so you agreed to do all of the talking. As silly as it may seem to some people, it meant a lot to me.
Time went on…we exchanged numbers, you would text me occasionally. Oh, you sucked at texting lol. But soon, those text messages turned into phone calls. I loved those. I realized how much I liked you. I had real feelings for you. And then one day you kissed me…first time that ever happened. That’s when I knew that I wanted you to be a part of my life.
However, you didn’t feel the same way. You just wanted to be my friend, so that’s what I let you have…my friendship. And slowly that faded away. We went our separate ways. We ended up in a class together again the next year, and we would barely speak. We acted like complete strangers. But on my birthday that year, you decided to talk to me again, to try and make me feel special again, but I didn’t want it at that point anymore. I had moved on…
Let’s fast forward again to my last year in high school. We got back on good terms again. We would text each other everyday. I’m pretty sure I fell asleep on the phone with you majority of nights. You opened up to me about your personal life so much…at this point, I couldn’t imagine my life without you anymore. But I became scared. I was scared of that long term commitment with you. I was scared because I was leaving for college soon, and I wouldn’t have you right there when I needed you anymore. So I did everything in my power to push you away.
When I left for college, I tried to ignore you. I tried to start pointless arguments. I wanted to have fun, and I felt like you were holding me back. I literally did everything that I could think of to make you hate me…it took some time, but it finally worked. Our last argument that year, you said something that wouldn’t have any meaning to me until a year later. You told me that you would always be there for me no matter what.
I met someone a few months later…I started to really like him…you finally started to fade away from my memory.
Let’s fast forward to a year later…now my second year in college. I hit a really low point in life. I couldn’t talk to anyone, not even my boyfriend. Who did I pick up the phone and call? You…
It was almost a year later, and you kept that promise to always be there for me. You talked to me, you made me laugh again, I was so happy…but I had someone else, so I pushed you away again before I could get too happy. Now it’s two years later, and we haven’t talked again. I want to reach out from time to time just to see how you’re doing, but I don’t want to put you through the pain of me constantly reaching out and pushing you away. Now, I just want you to know how much you really meant to me. I never told you back then because of my own struggles. You were and still are (I’m sure) an amazing person.

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