I don’t exactly know where I should start my story but I am glad I am finally writing this letter because there’s a lot of things that I should have probably said earlier. I know that they say what doesn’t start well doesn’t finish well but I really thought you were “the one”. My naivete was surely a factor in that way of thinking, but so was young age. You were my first love, the one I first kissed, the one I imagined spending my entire life with, but that’s obviously not how things worked out.
I didn’t exactly trust you to begin with because of the history we had. Especially painful was the moment that you told me you loved me and wanted to be with me – this was on my 17th birthday (not that that matters for us). You visited me at school and I even missed a class – that was the first time I skipped class. — Anyways, after that conversation and everything else, I was on cloud nine. Only to find out that a couple of hours later, you changed your mind. I was heartbroken. I remember sitting on the trampoline at my house and just crying my eyes out. Luckily, my parents were out that day and came home at night, after I’d showered and was in bed.
Fast forward to January 2012 and I thought we might rekindle whatever spark there was between us but I come to find out that you’re still talking/flirting with her. You know who I’m talking about. I confront you, you deny it, I make a huge deal, our parents get involved, and in the grand mix of things, they end up suggesting we date. I wasn’t really up for it because I was hurt and I guess more than anything, I kind of just wanted you to own up to what you did and stop being the player people knew you were.
Either way I ended up accepting but I put a wall up. Eventually you tired of me being mean to you and not letting you in, and I completely understand that. I broke up with you and you didn’t fight for me. I guess I expected you to but I know that you didn’t because you probably thought it was pointless. That hurt. I was stupid. That’s when I lost you.
Then I found out you were dating your friend, who you’re now married to. I remember asking you if you were dating and you never really gave me a direct answer, but I do clearly remember you telling me that it was too late…something along the lines of “why now?” I don’t know. It wasn’t just because I thought you were dating her. It was more along the lines of “you never know what you have until it’s gone.” I resent that a little, only because you always guaranteed you were just friends with her. But I now realize that she would have come up between us sooner or later. I guess you really were meant to be with her.
There are still songs nowadays that remind me of you and sometimes I think of what could’ve been, although I know that’s pointless. I would say I wish you the best and I’m happy for you but I’m not sure if I ever really got over you precisely because I never really got closure. At least not the closure I needed, I guess.
I’m sorry for pushing you away. I’m sorry for seeking out other people for comfort when I should’ve just been straight up with you and really opening up.
I will always thank you for being there for me when I needed. Don’t think I’ll forget that embrace when you visited me at school and I told you my brother had cancer. Don’t think I’ll forget that you sang to me in the piano room. I will never forget those and more memories.
All in all, thank you for everything. For loving me when I wasn’t very lovable. For being there for me at my lowest points. And I’m absolutely sorry for everything I did. I wish I could have done things differently and maybe today, things would be different. But wishes for the past to change are in vain.