Dear Sarah Beth,
It’s been six months, yet every day I still wake up hoping you will be in my bed again. I was a fool. After everything we had been through, after two years of love and laughter. After living together and getting even closer than we were before that. I still love you. I wish I could say that I don’t. I wish that my heart would stop hurting like this. You don’t want to talk about any of this and I can’t bring myself to yet. When we have talked you ask how I’m doing. Well the truth is, I don’t know. I don’t know who I am without you. I am figuring out the rest of my life, but I can’t help being reminded of the fact that our dreams and goals together are gone. It was almost two years that we were together. And yes we were young but I know you are the one for me. You were my best friend even before we started dating. I don’t want to give up on those two years of my life. They were the happiest ones that I have ever had. I remember on our way home one night we were tired and having a ridiculous conversation and we came up with our promise. “I will love you to the derivative of the moon and back, forever and always”. I remember realizing as I kissed you goodnight later that I was in love with you. I remember that. But you know what makes me mad? You know what makes it hard to talk to you now when you want to talk again? I’m hurt. You gave up on us. All our dreams, our goals and our memories. What makes me mad is that I am still in love with you and would do anything to reconnect, when you broke our promise. That hurts realizing it. You got mad that I was checking up on you after you broke up with me. I did that because when my birthday rolled around a month after we broke up, you seemed upset that I hadn’t talked to you. I was trying to be your friend Sarah. So when you got mad that I was trying I stopped. I stepped back and left you alone. It hurt like hell to do it, but I love you too much to hurt you more. Then when you messaged me the other day you thought I was mad. It’s not that I was mad Sarah. It’s that I came to the conclusion that I can’t be your friend anymore. At least not now I can’t. I care way too damn much to be just your friend right now. I never said anything to you and I asked your parents to keep it quiet after we broke up, but I was going to propose. September 20th. Our two year mark. I had a plan. I had saved every picture from our happiest memories and put music to them on a flash drive for you to listen to on the way out to the meadow where your grandfather was buried. I was proposing there. I had roses and dinner reservations. I had my night planned. But when you broke up with me, that was over. That’s why I can’t be your friend again right now. I love you way too much and you don’t love me enough. So here’s everything I will never tell you Sarah Beth. I wish I could say it to you but there isn’t any way that I can without hurting one or both of us any more than we already have. I will always love you to the derivative of the moon and back. Always and forever.
Your Miracle Sweet Potato