Congratulations, you broke me. It’s been over a year since we broke up and I still haven’t been able to love anyone like I loved you. I’ve tried to and even tried to force new relationships so that I can feel something for someone but I can’t.
Even after all this time I am still effected by what you did. My self-confidence and self worth plummeted after I found out you had cheated on me for the second time. Not only did I loose you, I lost myself as well.
For a long time after I walked around like an empty shell, no words could ever describe the hurt I was feeling. I wanted revenge, I wanted to forget, I wanted to pretend it didn’t happen, but most of all I didn’t want to be here anymore. Not only did you break my heart you broke me as well.
I now feel better, not fixed completely but better. I have started eating properly again, my work ethic and determination is back, I am able to smile without it disappearing five seconds later. However, I still can’t look at myself in the mirror and be happy. I take over an hour to choose my outfit, it drives the people around me crazy. But I can’t put any clothes on and feel good, I don’t have any confidence anymore. I spend ridiculous amounts of money on makeup to make my face look better, I don’t leave the house without it anymore. When I go on a night out, I loathe myself. I turn into a person I’d never thought I’d be. I seek attention from anyone, I just need one guy to show me he approves. Or my night will be ruined and whatever I am wearing will go in the bin. No one seems to understand how I feel, they all are happy with the way they look and feel, yet I need approval from someone.
All of this stems from you, I feel the need to be wanted even if I don’t want them back, just so I know I won’t be completely on my own and in pieces like you left me. I need the approval so I know I look okay, it’s stupid but its how I feel and how I try and gain my confidence.
I am sick of seeking validation from guys because I am not happy with myself. I am sick of appearing like a slut to everyone, just because I get some happiness when I know a guy wants me. I just want to be happy with myself.
I tell people I am over you completely. I tell them I am truly happy without you. I tell them it doesn’t bother me that you got a girlfriend 3 months after our 3 year relationship ended. But it’s not true. I am not completely over you, I loved you. You were my first love. I don’t think anyone truly gets over that.
I am writing this to try and help myself. I want to feel okay in my own skin and forget about you and what you did. I want to not fear that every guy I meet will cheat on me. I want to allow myself to get close enough to someone again so that I can love them. I don’t think its worked. If anything I feel angrier, for what you have done to me.
How can you be okay, when I am left with all of this baggage? Please never do this to someone again. You’ve already broke one person, that should be enough.