To Ethan

To Ethan

To Ethan

LTME postDo you have any idea how much you hurt me? Even now – over a year later. You don’t get it, do you? I don’t expect you to understand fully, but I do want to know why you couldn’t have just given me the closure that I needed instead of being so evasive or ignoring me completely.

As of last summer, never has it been my intention to manipulate you into coming back to me. I don’t want you anymore. I only ever wanted to know your reasoning.

As a result of all of this, I’ve changed in some pretty drastic ways – mainly all negative. For one, I’ve become more depressed than I have ever been before. I definitely don’t expect you to understand that because you could never understand my depression when you and I were together. You always treated it like a joke or got mad at me because there was nothing I could do about it. You never understood that, sometimes, there’s no getting rid of depression; it comes and goes as it pleases.

My depression is even worse now that I have all of these questions and no answers. Not knowing is killing me. I feel myself slowly being drained of life and happiness. It keeps getting worse, and I am to the point where I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve lost all motivation to do anything, including even getting out of bed in the morning. My artistic muse is gone; I can hardly draw anymore. I rarely exercise anymore. All I ever want to do is lie in bed and wonder, “Why?” and with no answers, that’s all I seem to be doing lately.

My OCD is definitely playing a huge role in this. I’ll admit that I’ve been obsessing over this situation for over a year now. To be honest, there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about it. It consumes my thoughts a lot. It even still haunts me in my dreams. I can’t escape.

Ignoring it makes things even worse. I try not to feel and bury my thoughts and emotions. I might be okay for a while, but at any moment of weakness, the thoughts come back, and I relapse. Things build up, and after a short amount of time, I have one giant emotional breakdown. Then, the cycle repeats itself over and over again.

I’ve tried dating since, and it’s just been …difficult. I can’t explain any of this to anyone I’m with (for obvious reasons). Most of the time, they didn’t even know that I was hurting because I hide it. In fact, I hide almost everything now. I’m no longer that over-emotional girl you once knew – not on the outside, at least. Instead, I bury my emotions. I don’t want to deal with them, but I guess I learned that from you. I’m also terrified that, if I did let out any emotion, the person I’m with would just get tired of it eventually and ditch me just like you did.

I’m scared to get too close to anyone because of what you did to me. I’m scared that if there ever comes a time where I feel “too” happy, then something terrible will follow shortly after. I’ve convinced myself that everyone will always end up leaving me in the end anyways, so why get too attached? So I’ve become cold. I build walls around myself to keep me safe from further pain.

However, I will say that my current relationship is helping me with most of the issues that this has caused. I’ve begun to let a few walls down, and I can actually feel love again. I want to feel again. The hopeless romantic in me is at war with the damage that you have caused.

And for the issues that still remain, I’ve tried counselling, medication, nicotine, exercising, getting a pet to focus my attention on, forcing myself to draw, making new friends, changing my diet, and consuming my time and thoughts with video games. I’ve tried “finding closure within.” I’ve tried shopping and changing my appearance to feel better. But you know what? Nothing helps.

I envy you. Sometimes, I wish that I was the one to end the relationship because I know that I would’ve handled that role better than you have. I wouldn’t have left you to suffer with unanswered questions. You automatically had more control during the breakup because you ended things, and you’ve used that power poorly. Selfishly. Because you were too much of a coward to deal with things head on. So you hid. You ignored me and only cared about yourself. You destroyed my life. Not because you left me, but because you left me with no closure.

Now, I look forward to the day that I am able to confront you with all of this and get the closure that I so desperately need.

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