You will never see this, it asked me to put your email address in but I declined, Sometimes the things you want to say to someone, you just can’t say.
I am sorry for everything. I should have been the guy that you deserved. Someone to wake up and give you a hug and kiss in the morning, or made love to you at night. So many nights we just went to sleep, if I could take that back and do it all again I would! Quicker than any heartbeat.
We drifted apart, through our own doing. Every couple on the planet argues and ours were no different. You were always worried about money, my finances. I tried so hard to persuade that everything would be fine, I was getting rid of my debt, £400-£500 a month depending what I could afford. But that cut me short. I could never go out and do things with you as I had no money. I had both eyes on our future and didnt stop to think about us in the “now”.
Thats who we were in our relationship; you were excited always up for absolutely everything, where I was always the calm one, when things were wrong ( like on isle of white, it rained for 3 days torrential!) It was me that calmed you down. I was your rock. Your stead fast point.
We’d argued about the little things, washing up and tidying. Each day I was getting better at doing it. But I always found it hard doing it. We lived with your mum in a tiny flat. We had no space, we had no privacy. If one cooked, the other washed up. What did the 3rd person do? That’s why you felt I did nothing. I come back from work at 8pm. You have already eaten and washed up. I then did my own. I can’t tidy up if someone has already done it. There’d be days when you’d leave things for me to wash up, but when I did the same, I was in the wrong.
I’m waffling on, I don’t want to, but I haven’t been able to talk to anyone. I feel so alone and lost.
I understand now that my befriending of a woman at work was wrong. Well the way I went about it was wrong. I’m new to this area and just wanted a friend. Nothing more. You were the girl I was going to ask to marry me. I even knew how and where I would have done it. But that ship has sailed.
I’ve been there for you through everything, not because I was your “BF” and it was my “job”, but because I wanted to. I supported your family through everything. When your mum broke up with her partner, it was me that took time off work to help her pack and move. No one in your family did that or even offered. So please don’t treat me like I didnt care. Not even your brother offered.
I have always done my absolute best to get on with your friends. And I still do, well the ones that you haven’t asked to delete me off Facebook.
I’ve driven us everywhere to go spend time with you. I’ve booked weekends off to drive to go see your friends. I took a week off to see your uncle in Edinburgh.
I am so disapointed in you though, you won’t speak to me, even if it is just to get some closure. I have been waiting for over a month for you to speak to me. You said we need some time apart. I need to know what is going on. For my sanity at least. And now I find that you have been saying nasty things about me behind my back.
I get that it is most likely a defence, to protect yourself from getting hurt, but that’s not on. My best mate has tried to say things about you and I haven’t let him. Even though we have ended, even though you have said nasty and hurtful things to me, I wish you no ill health and wouldn’t allow him to say a thing as that’s not who I am. I will say, be careful who you trust, you might no longer trust me, but I have never lied to you, someone very close to you has manipulated this situation, we are over so it makes no difference to me, I don’t want to see you hurt.
I will always be there for you to talk to.
I guess what I’m saying now is, I’m moving on.
As much as that kills me inside to say.
I move into my new place on Monday. Took me a long time to find somewhere. I’m sharing with 2 brothers, they seem pretty cool.
I’ve signed up to a couple of courses, an art class, I want to design my own tattoo, and a creative writing class. hopefully it will inspire me. I also have rough runner on Saturday 9th. That will be exciting!
You were my first true love, a month on and my heart still beats for you. I guess it will for a long time.
Goodbye Frances. I wish you all the luck and happiness.
I love you with all that I am.