Even as I write this I’m sat in bed with you clouding my every thought and memory. I got your “card” yesterday and I can’t even express the disappointment and confusion it left me in. I was in work and my sister text me with a picture of your writing..I was shaking. Considering my actual letter to you was 2 and a half pages of building you up and telling you how amazing you are and how much I adore you I will admit I am crushed at what I got back. Some people say I’m lucky I got a reply others are not so kind. The end line has stayed with me though..that you will never forget me. I hope you mean that handsome boy because rest assured I will never forget you.
It’s been 3 weeks since I broke up with you and I still regret it everyday. We had our faults I know this, we had our issues and problems and you had yours but please know I would have done anything to stick by your side. Some of the things you told me in the end were hurtful and I’m constantly torn between the thought that you lied the whole way through the relationship, used me and knew exactly what you were doing (you were always a clever sod) or that you freaked, bailed and genuinely felt those things for me. I know which one I prefer to believe.
I’ve tried everything to get over you..I’m hitting the gym more now but I’m only doing it to get a hot body in the hopes when I see you next you will want me back. I went to see a shrink for the first time in my life yesterday, yes that’s how much you’ve affected my life. She talked to me and she understood my feelings. These weird self destructive feeling’s of wanting you to get out of my head..move on..leave me alone, but then never want you to go. Im so frightened that if she cures me you will be gone forever and I will finally have to face the fact of letting you go.
For me the relationship was real, so real in fact I can’t even sleep at night without seeing your face. I was even pathetic enough to have the dream where you fly in through the window. You’ve ruined so many things for me. I can’t eat a nandos anymore as that was our nightly ritual of a weekend. I can’t listen to cream by Prince as my memory is filled with dancing round your kitchen, I’m so messed up now I was overtaking someone on the motorway and they had a air freshner in the shape of a moustache and I had to pull into the hard shoulder to cry my eyes out. Everyday I see things which remind me of you and I wonder.. are they a sign? A sign that we are meant to be together? Then I shake my head and tell myself to wake up.
There’s a few things which haunt me..I constantly re-read our what’sapp conversations the beautiful poetry in the flow of your passionate words. The way they made me feel when I saw your name slide up across my phone. I still get that feeling. Here the tears flow, here they come again. The familiar salty rain falling down my cheeks, it’s actually become quite comforting as since we split they haven’t stopped. Not for one day. Your words and sentences on those chats will haunt me for the rest of my life. Everyone tells me give it time, time is a healer. Time may be a healer but it cannot erase our memories from my mind. I fear I will be stuck on you forever, a bittersweet punishment for falling so deeply in love with everything about you. God I miss you so much.
You need to know though that you have changed me in ways I couldn’t even imagine. Never again will I open my heart and emotions to anyone. Not to be shot down the way I was with you. I still don’t understand how you feel as you won’t let me know. You sent me a text after we split telling me you can’t talk to me and that you’re in a bad place, all I wanted to do was drive over and hold you in my arms..make it all go away. Remember that nightmare you had? Where I moved to London? I awoke to you crying and I held you so tight, I reassured you I would always be here..always right here next to you and alas that is still true. I never want to find anyone else, I’m just not interested. I keep trying to better myself..learn to love myself before anyone else but unfortunately you have used up my quota of love and there is none left for me.
I’m trying to become stronger a stronger human being who can live her life alone and the thought frightens me. I wish I could go back in time and take it slower, ease into the relationship with you. It was so passionate and intense and our feelings were flying everywhere. I’m so sorry if it was too much or I came on too strong it just seemed you knew exactly what buttons to press.
Unfortunately the way this has gone I have blanked out all the bad times we had. I’ve blanked out your mistakes and some of the harsh feeling’s you left me with, hell even in my letter I took full responsibility for everything that ever went wrong in the relationship. Why did you lead me on? The thing’s you told me when we were together..when you took me to my favorite restaurant (which I can now never go to again) and you held my hand over the table and you told me you had feelings of wanting to marry me. You told me you’d never had those feeling’s before and you told me you wanted the same things as me, my heart was overflowed with compassion and joy, as we shared those waffles I imagined marrying you, you, no one else. When you made those comment’s about everyone watching me I was only ever looking at you. I dont care about anyone else I only wanted YOU.
You could never see how amazing you were. How handsome you looked in the mornings with your hair gelled back and your moustache waxed up. Speaking of which I found your little pot of that in my car..I want to give it you back but it’s all I have left of you.
You had self worth issues and insecurities and I dreamed of being the girl to cure those..well maybe not cure but prove to you that you deserve an amazing life, you deserve a fantastic fun relationship but you got hung up on so much else. I hated the way you would go on about my age compared to you. Being 23 does not make me a child and you being 33 does not make you a dinosaur..dinosaurs are cute anyway.
Anyway I’m torn in my head a lot. I don’t understand how someone can say all those perfect things and then just cut me dead. Granted you’ve replied to every message I’ve sent but you’ve replied cold, I know you’re trying not to leave me on.. yet I still hold on to this tiny grain of hope..the smallest piece of the puzzle in my head that one day you will wake up one morning and you will realise that I love you. I love you so pure and simple, and that you could have been waking up to the smell of pancakes and me dancing round your kitchen. You could have had an easy life, a life filled with love and joy but alas I don’t think that’s what you want.
You told me you realised you shouldn’t have started a relationship and you need to be alone for a while. I will leave you be, I know you will NEVER read this letter but it gives me some sick comfort knowing that it’s floating about here. The other letter I hand wrote and sent you was probably the wrong thing to do. I bet you read it to your brothers and to Steve and had a good laugh at the pathetic child begging to be back in your life..I dont care though. My intentions are pure and every single stroke of the pen against that paper was true. I felt every single word resonate through my body into the sheet.
I know I need to move on, I know I need to let go of the memories and the unanswered questions. I KNOW you are NEVER coming back to me. Yet alas I am still here, hoping, dreaming, wishing.
You are every penny I throw into the fountains. Every wishbone I win. Every candle I blow out.
You are everything to me and even though you have hurt me so deeply so painfully on so many levels I adore you. I love every single inch and fibre of your being. I also forgive you. Forgive you for every poisonous word you uttered, every mind game you played and every emotion you made me feel.
I hope I was real for you, and I hope you do never forget me because I will never forget you. Never forget you smelling my hair as you pulled me close, never forget that cute little growl you do when you were excited, your tongue poking out the side of your mouth when you concentrate, the way you wandered round your house playing guitar, sitting in my car dancing away to my “ethnic” tunes, your soft lips pecking at my skin, your moustache rolling between my fingers and my thighs, calling me sugar in the throws of passion, slow dancing in your lounge to your favourite song, stealing cheese from tesco, getting my malcolm tucker tattoo, inspecting in Bury together, the text messages and the phone calls, how your fingers linked perfectly with mine, the scent of you as I awoke on your chest, the cheesecake in bed at 2am…I could go on for hours with the things I will never forget and I hope there’s things about me you will never forget too.
I hope you find happiness and peace. I hope you find the mindfulness you need, and get the alone time you require. I hope you find yourself and give yourself the love you deserve.
I should probably stop typing now but there’s still so much I have to say. I guess some things are better left unsaid.
I love you, my co-conquering King.