I’ve thought about this a million times, about how it should’ve went. About what I did and didn’t do. I wish I could go back and change one thing. How I showed you love. I was too young and too dumb to show you. Would you love the man I became? Would you have loved the man I had to be, to become the man I am today?
I remember everything, the first time I texted you, how I got your number from a friend, acting like I forgot the homework and seeing if you had it. We started talking about hockey, the sport I played and how you only knew about the position I played. From then on, we hit it off.
I remember our first kiss. It was in the living room in your unfinished house, with your little sister right in front of us, I was sad because I was going on vacation and the thought of not seeing you for 2 weeks killed me! I brought you back a pair of purple rectangular earrings. I remember I would stay up way too late writing you letters and hiding them in your locker, we were only 16 but I knew what I felt in my heart. Still to this day I know what that was, and that was love, true love. I guess not though..
The one thing I wish I did do was pick up the message after we broke up for the 2nd and final time. You were “dating” one of our friends and you sat next to me in our one class we had together the next year and we would chat a little bit and he would be a few rows back, being jealous. After asking if you and him were “dating” you said “yah, I’m sorry they (our friends) thought it would be a good idea.. It wasn’t” I totally should have took that as a sign that you still loved me. But I didn’t! Like a dummy, I didn’t. I wish I could go 6 years back and slap myself silly for not taking that hint!!
After our year of dating, and how broken my heart was after losing you. I blamed you. I blamed you for the drugs that I got into and all the partying I did. But I now realize, it was me! I was the one who didn’t show you how much you meant to me! I was the one that pushed myself into the Xanax, the alcohol, the ecstasy. I blamed you! But I, I was the one at fault. I let my baby go and I tried to blame you. How selfish. To this day, 6 years later, mostly sobered up, except for the occasional beer or 4 here and there, I still hate myself. My 16 year old self for being the d bag that I was. I wish I could go back as the person I am now and just be with you, love you and make you happy. Maybe one day we’ll run into each other and be able to catch up..