I thought about you today because I was on campus, and stopped by the old bar we had been to during our time together. I thought about how much I wish you were there, and how much I missed you. I thought about how important it is that I stay centered and focused on moving on, despite hoping with all my might that you “wake up, snap out of it, bam–I am the love of your life.” Why do I do this to myself?
I went back into my phone to dig up the conversation from about a week and a half ago, when I asked you if this was over forever and you said “Yes. You should move on.” When I asked if you were sure, and you said “Yes. There are no promises between us. I need to work on me. You should not wait for me.” Why is it that your words are so clear and crisp, yet my brain chooses to process them differently? There is no hope in your lines; you have finally made a decision. It is clear, why can’t my brain just see that and help me have some self-respect, self-love? Maybe that’s why you left me.
How is it so easy for you to let go of me? How is it so easy for you to walk away from someone like me? You leave me wondering if I dodged a bullet, or if I am the bullet. You let me wondering if God has a favorite, you or me? Who does he listen to when we pray for happiness if my happiness is with you and you are not there? Did I just answer my own question?
Mr. S., I love you, and although I am going to do my best to move on and be happy without you, I still hope that one day you come to find me and say–I love you, L. I have grown. I am better. I know who I am. I could not move on because I missed you and love you. You are the one.
Hopefully the time you asked me to marry you in H that one day in September is something we can still look forward to.