Dear B —
I hope this makes way to you and finds you well; that sweet, beguiling smile alight; happy, rested, seeing a bit of the world, and deftly handling the chaos your chosen profession hurls at you.
I would be lying, were I to say that you had not snuck into my thoughts. And if there’s one thing I always tried to be with you, it is open and honest; perhaps to a fault. But, you knew that going in. You said it was a refreshing reason we should meet in the first place. And I told you that first night, I try to live with my heart out there.
If only I had known just how it would be swept up in all you are, perhaps I’d have been more guarded; like you were.
But, no. Despite my regrets about our ignominious end; the perhaps permanently poor timing; and the circumstances of your life which don’t appear to leave room for you (an encroachment I recognize I, myself, contributed to); I can look back without doubt on giving as fully as I could to someone who I think needs that kind of love to balance the rest.
Then, and probably still.
Such happiness is all I wish for you. To find warmth and peace in the arms of someone who;
believes in you,
yearns for you,
and loves you; the way I so found so effortlessly rewarding.
Perhaps it wasn’t our moment then. And both left gaps in sheltering the feelings between us; from the world’s winds and our own lives’ breaths blowing the flickering flame.
However I believe that love, like hope, is an ember inextinguishable. And I’m not so foolish as to attempt prognostication.
Who knows what life will bring? But this is where it has brought each of us today.
That said, I write to you, in humble contrition, to say how sorry I am for how I acted in the weeks following our severance.
You were right to say that my actions were not acceptable, that they were not at all okay, and that they didn’t help me toward making things better and moving forward together — as was my wish; to walk life’s path with you…hopefully hand-in-hand, at some point!
I lived up neither to the love my heart feels, nor the respect my head holds for you. I did not treat you as I should have. I did not make you feel the way I wanted to.
And I’m sorry. I always will be.
I hope you understand that to be true, having seen a bit of my heart’s content and character.
I deeply appreciate the time we had in each others’ lives. Each day. Every night. The embraces, kisses, touches, laughs, meals, shows, simple nights doing homework or folding clothes, morning cups of coffee (or hot chocolate)…
The times we asked, “What is going on here?” When it was all so comfortable.
All of it. Memories so fond as to never fade.
I thank you for the creativity you rekindled and wanderlust you sparked in me; both of which I’m embracing and exploring and would love to share with you some day, if you will listen to the yarns I spin.
For all I heard about your work, I heard surprisingly little of the tales of your adventures; of which I’m sure there have been more. I’d love to share a bottle of something and hear what you’re up to, as well.
There was an impression left in my heart the nights I held you; standing in your living room, or lying on your couch or bed; as you cried about all you were going through. That supportive space in my heart is still there, if you need someone to turn to, to talk to, or to lift you up against the weight I know bears on you. As I said, “If you’re not fit for company, there’s no better time for you to be held by me.” My openness to you doesn’t change, doesn’t fade, and doesn’t weather with time or circumstance.
I don’t quit people, and won’t turn my back to you.
As it’s been said, “If there’s any kind of magic in this world; it must be in the attempt of understanding someone, sharing something. It’s almost impossible to succeed. But who cares, really? The answer must be in the attempt.”
I’m grateful for our attempts at such a connection, and for the transcendence that we found. When we walked out of that Jenny Lewis show and you said it was magical, or that our first kiss was unforgettable, or that moments we shared were like a movie…
I’m glad I had the opportunity to be part of such moments with someone as remarkable as you. Of course, I wish there’d been more. And maybe the magic is in the reconnecting, the sequel, the second time around.
But it’s important that you know what you meant to me, no matter what my future holds. I appreciate you, Bryna.
I will never forget and always look fondly on Rhode Island.
With love and only the best of wishes,
Ps. All I ever wanted to do was pick you up and drop you off at the airport. I don’t think you understand how much that would’ve meant for me, especially after a 14 year marriage to somebody who wouldn’t fly — where I never once got to do a teary sendoff or overjoyed return. I know you need some impermeable firewall between your work and personal life, but all I ever wanted was someone to hold a sign for at the bottom of the escalator or pick up and twirl at the end of the mosaic tunnel. Someone to kiss in the white loading zone.