I can say I’m fine and great and don’t care, but I’m not and I do. It still sucks. It still hurts. I still don’t feel like getting out of bed or doing anything that requires more energy than sleeping. But even that I can’t do, because I lie awake for hours on end.
It’s so much easier to be angry with you, but I can’t do that anymore. So now I’m angry with myself. Wet anger. When your eyes water and your voice shakes, the one I hate because you’re crying whilst you’re angry and you feel weak – because in this moment, I am. I know that anger is merely a cover for the more vulnerable emotions I refuse to acknowledge.
Four years. That’s a long time. We’ve gone back and forth, over our relationship, but each time it seemed to get more difficult to stay together, to make thing work. There were more flaws here, there. You are who you are and I am who I am. We didn’t have intentions of hurting each other this way, but here we are. We love in entirely different ways, ways that are not compatible.
When it was good, it was amazing, but when it was bad, it was agonizing. I have a hard time separating myself from you and walking away because we’ve invested so much into this. At times I want to call you crying, others screaming, and sometimes just to hear your voice, but I know I can’t – I need to break this dependency.
I cannot be the person you want me to be, the girl you met those years ago. She is long gone. I’ve grown into myself and it seems I’m not what you had anticipated, wanted, or love. I cannot say I’m sorry for that because I’m not.
I can add you and our failed relationship -on my behalf- to the list of things I’ve fucked up. The list will continue to grow as it always has so I cannot linger long, else the writing gets deeper.
There will always be that place in my heart that you have. I don’t write this to fix things, but to apologize for the things I’ve done and said. I have to forgive myself and you, for the way we treated each other. I’m not ready to move on and I don’t know when I will be, but I’ve got to start somewhere.
Take care of yourself, I wish you the best, thank you for everything