Is what I would say if I were to run into you again. I know that the chances of us meeting again are slim right now, but there is some part of me that knows we are connected at the core.
Us breaking up was one of the best things that happened to me. Not because I wanted to lose you, to never see you again. No. It was the best, because it finally opened me up to see the world for what it really is.
It showed me how you looked at the world. A place where beauty resides without, but also within.
I did not know this before you went away. I held my darkness trapped inside myself. Afraid to show it to anyone not just you for the fear of losing them. The reluctance of showing you my darkness and my self-hate, in the end, was what pushed you away.
This fear is what trapped me inside. I could not see what kind of impact I had on the outside world. Mostly because this society treats people who have had trauma as “needing to be fixed”. This is how I regarded myself. As broken, in need of fixing and in need of love.
When you entered my life this is what you meant to me. The love I had hoped and prayed for years to get was finally there. Then when the initial jitters were over, a fear began to arise. What if she leaves? What if I do something wrong? What if.. What if..?
Eventually the “what if?” became a reality. Not that I did something wrong. I do not view it that way. I acted based on what I knew at that time. What I knew, was that I loved you and did not want to lose you. What I also knew was that my darkness showed itself but I didn’t not allow it to exist.
I now see that you were facing the same issues. You often said:”I’m a positive person, I’m not supposed to be this way!”, whenever you felt sad. You viewed yourself as someone who was upbeat all the time, I viewed myself as someone who was depressed and sad all the time.
I could not see that you were hurting because I was hurting. I hope that you know my actions back then were not intended to hurt you. My dark thoughts dominated my mind because I did not let them pass through. I had thoughts and dreams which were telling me this. I saw them as something to fear and avoid.
This is what you gave me. You showed me that love exists, and that fear is needed for life to flow.
I hope that you know when I hugged you it was because I loved you. I hope that you know that when I kissed you I did so because I thought you were the most gorgeous girl in the world.
I can see that the things I was afraid of doing, I could never do. In fact I am now in a place in my life that I can see that all the things I thought back then are false.
I’m a kind and loving guy. I love myself and I appreciate who I am. Because now, I hold a piece of you within my heart.
If there is such a thing as fate and destiny, I would wish that we meet again when we are ready. So I could say: “Hey beautiful, how about a hug?”.