Dear James B.,
I know doing this may seem… inappropriate and immature, but I know you may never want to speak to me. For already over a year, I can’t help but wish to message and call you to tell you the things that I wish I’d told you on the day we broke up. I just want to write it off of my chest. Idk if you will ever see this or not. I don’t have your email, even if i do, I am scared to make you see this. I hope someday, you will see this without my aid. I really hope you do.
I guess I will admit that I lied that I didn’t want to break up. I know I said I expected it to happen, when in reality… it was all shocking… When you told me you wanted to end the relationship.. I felt betrayed. But I loved you so much, that I didn’t want to be in the way of your dreams. You wanted to be in Japan for the rest of your life. I mean I even thought of trying to enhance the language and become a doctor in Japan to make it work. But, this is reality, and I don’t know if I can actually do it. I still love the Japanese culture, no doubt about it. I was so heartbroken while you were away in Japan to study abroad in Spring 2015. You accused of me forcing your little sister to tell you to call me when I didn’t do such thing. I only told her to please let you know that I said hi and hope to hear from you soon, because you would talk to your family and friends more than me. I was so shocked on how before you went to Japan, I went to the Canary Islands for a shadowing/internship trip and you were worried sick and missed me so much that you would sent me messages to wake up/sleep to. I even made time to Skype with you because I missed you. And whenever you go to a different state to visit family or do family events, you would make time to call or text me. Yet in Japan, you stopped. And I had a feeling you were losing interest and love for me. I thought it really wasn’t fair. It felt like I put in so much effort than you. I keep thinking that if it was me right now in Japan and you in America, I would definitely make time for you despite my busy schedule as I always have been throughout our 3 years together. This was all heartbreaking because on our 2-yr anniversary, you gave me a promise ring. I told you to think carefully about giving it to me. Those things meant so much bc it made me believe that you really wanted to have me in your life. Even times when we joke about marriage, deep down… I wished to be your wife and to have a family together. You and I were so happy together….
What also bothered me was when we broke up, you said you would always be here if I ever needed you and that we can be friends. Yet you ignored me completely as if I never existed. You didn’t even bother to wish me happy birthday 3 months after our breakup. And I was hoping to wish you your birthday 4 days after mine, but I wasn’t sure if I should by your actions. It made me felt that maybe you just want me out of your life for good… and that really stung my heart. I wish you can tell me why you acted that way towards me….
The breakup was really hard on me. I really missed you and I guess part of me still does. I would look back at the happy memories and smile and laugh at them (And definitely will always treasure them). But at the same time I would cry, because I guess part of me still loves you. I already heard from friends that you like somebody else here and there so I believe you don’t think of me or miss me so much anymore. It hurts to know but I have to accept the truth. I loved your family and your friends. I hope mother and her boyfriend will get married soon! I hope your siblings are doing wonderful in school too. And also, I hope you have good terms with your biological father. I still pray for them every now and then.
I hope this isn’t weird of me to say but one day on TS, I was venting about my feelings for you to a certain friend and he told me of your success. And I really wish to tell you how I am so proud of your success. You have grown so much. I remember when you were unsure f what your future may hold. But I am so glad to be part of the journey to help you discover what you wanted to be. No matter what, I still wish you the very best.
I will always love you and you will always have a special place in my heart. I wish to see you again someday, whether we’re still young or old with our own families. I really wished you were the one. I fell so much in love with you. But who knows? Maybe God is telling me that my real soulmate is out there waiting for me and same for you too. Whoever your future wife may be, I hope she will make you happy and love you unconditionally like I did. I hope you will have a happy and healthy family.
I love you James. I’ll never forget you. I wish you so much happiness. Until I meet the my future husband, you’re so far the best thing that ever happened to me. And I hope I was too in some part of your life.
If you do find this letter, then thank you for your time to read it. I apologize if you find this awkward. But I do want to let it out as if I am actually talking to you. I hope you can understand.