Haunted

Haunted

Haunted

LTME-postYou would think that after 16 years my feelings would go away for you? You would think that it wouldn’t hurt still?
You would think that our past wouldn’t haunt me anymore?
Why does it?
What is wrong with me?
Why do we some how keep crossing paths?
Why did you leave such an imprint on my life and heart?
Married with kids and still your memory haunts me, you pop into my head at the most random times and I have to shake my senses back.

I thank you for the love you showed me and the memories that I will never forget. I feel blessed to be able to share that time with you and open our hearts to each other. You truly changed me and wished I could have been a better person for you. You deserved better than me and I knew it. That is what killed me.

My life was in turmoil at the time and I didn’t know how to sort it out. I wanted to run away, I wanted to scream, I needed something and didn’t know what I needed. Our break up was the spike into my soul that just broke me. I have never been repaired yet. I am still broken.
Everyday is a tiny sliver better than the last. You don’t haunt my memories and dreams as much as you once did. I don’t think you know how much you meant to me. I was not good at showing you that emotion, but especially not in high school. I was a party girl with party friends and had to get that out of my system before I could call it quits.

I wish we would have met later in life and I wonder if things would have been different? I know you are happy and complete now. I do realize that if I was in your life, there would be alot of push backs and not be able to be the godly woman that you married.

I wish I could find a letter from you talking about me and how you felt about me and how you feel about me now?
Do you ever think about me? Do guys ever get over an ex?
or is it easier to get over me since there are no feelings left?
What did you think when you saw me in a crowd of 70,000 at a football game? run, hide, or did you get butterflies?

I want to get to know you again, as friends. I was close to your family and feels like a death now that I don’t have them in my life. They were my all back in the day. I need that extra help and shoulder to cry on. I needed a mom who was able to be a mom to me. I needed comfort when my family didn’t give me any. You helped take away the pain for a little while. You helped me explore and move to a new city.
How did we both end up moving to the same state?
How did it end up that our spouses work at the same company?

I know our paths are close to crossing again…

3 Comments

  1. Jesse 1 year ago

    I understand your pain. 16 years. That doesn’t provide much hope for me. It never goes away. Godspeed and strength to you. You’re not alone

  2. Carly 1 year ago

    36 years for me. No, it doesn’t go away. I’ve just learned to step over it most of the time.

  3. Nobody much 1 year ago

    I’m sure I’m in for a long, long time of mourning too
    I can’t imagine this pain lessening any time soon..

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